A couple of weeks ago poor ol Jack Straw was put on the spot at that contraversial infamous Question Time when Nick Griffin was "given a voice" when he was questioned on whether he thought Labour's immigration policies which had allegedly encouraged mass immigration had paved the way for far right parties such as the BNP. After a subsequent chat with my flatmates on the subject, and feeling partly inspired by the unusual amount of genuine passion from some of the politicians and especially inspired by the fact that one of my friends is facing possible and likely deportation as of this weekend despite having lived in this country for almost a year, I find myself remembering that I do love talking about politics almost as much as I love talking about God and religion, especially when the politics in question involves UK immigration policy.

Unsurprisingly I don't have stereotypical British views on the matter. Being a Scot (where we don't seem to have population problems apart from the occasional lack of), of immigrant stock myself and with a passion and love for anyone vaguely international. And while I do realise that we can't let everyone into the country I do think we go a bit overboard on the matter. Pet frustrations include:

- Government or Press making ridiculous claims supposedly based on accurate stats which have usually been blown out of proportion or taken from a very biased sample since when did population graphs follow a constant gradient

- The home office allowing people to stay in the country for months or even years, settle down, make friends, sometimes find family, a life... and then suddenly deport them without even the slightest warning!

It's such a vicious cycle - we have a press that perpetuates a fear of people "coming in to steal our jobs", the people demand things of the government who then tighten the already rigid system but people are desperate so do crazy things to slip through the system which makes the press go crazy and the cycle continues...

Where is the compassion!? We don't ever seem to put the shoe on the other foot. Think about the fact that so many people are coming from difficult or destitute situations. We don't even try to imagine what it'd be like if it were us having to escape some crazy dictator or war or famine in the UK and having the doors closed to us wherever we try to escape to or being treated like unwanted cattle. Why can't policy be shaped around compassion and not just around what's practical?! Then again... I guess we don't live in a world like that.

Rant over.

I'd be interested to hear what other folk think...

On being a sheep

A couple of weeks ago I got into a long chat with a Chinese girl I'd just met who had recently become a Christian. She started asking me about how I'd become a Christian and I briefly mentioned the fact that I'd gone to Sunday School and she jumped on that instantly as to her it was a wildly foreign concept.
"Wow! What's that like? Did you really think you were a sheep?!"
Turned out that she was referring to that bit of the Bible with Jesus the good Shepherd and us the sheep. "After 26 years" she said to me "I find it hard to get used to the idea that I am just a sheep". The image really struck her in a way that it never had me before. I explained to her that I'd grown up with it, made sheep out of cotton wool and pritt stick so often that it was just normal, it was just stories that I'd been told as a child, absorbed and never questioned. I suddenly realised that it's hardly flattering being compared to a sheep. They just seem to mindlessly follow. I do not know much about it but I did google "sheep behaviour" and this is what it came up with.



And yes this photo is of adorable Jersey cows not sheep, I couldn't resist putting this photos up. But you get the general idea. Herd instinct yada yada...

But it was the more the concept behind it that she found difficult. And I realised that in practice I found the being a sheep thing and being shepherded by Jesus probably as hard as she did - il s'agit de letting someone else lead you and take control of your life.

The other night I started thinking about that bit in the Bible again and I wasn't struck so much by the image of being a sheep as the idea of Jesus as our Shepherd.
Becoming one of his flock doesn't mean becoming a stupid, mindless, blind follower (poor sheep!) It doesn't reduce us to something less than human. We are what we are, human beings with intelligence and free-will and creativity and personality. I think that bit about the sheep says more about who Jesus is than about who we are. If we're sheep, that makes the Shepherd - Jesus - so much more intelligent, so much more knowledgable, so much better able to fend for us than we are. And then there's that aspect of tender care.
When I think of it like that. This strikes me all the more. If you were a farmer, or a shepherd, orif you have or have had pets, would you die for an animal under your care?! And then there's the fact that he did that by becoming one of us too! Mental!

Oh dear, I hope I'm not offending too many sheep by this post!

items of stuff

Highlights from the collection of dust-collecting objects I have rescued from my parents' from a fate of inactivity, sitting in boxes or on shelves in my house untouched for years...

- 2 Calvin and Hobbes books = comic genius!
- "Baby Lion" my maneless, noseless oldest stuffed animal who in his long life has been lost and found several times, been through the washing machine, washed in the bath (didn't do wonders for his mane though) and played countless imaginary games.
- a photo album of the first ever photographs I've ever taken, most of them being of my sister (a grinning 4 year old, arranging her dolls in lines in order to teach, bathing them and posing in a variety of clothing - she hasn't changed much!)
- lots of old diaries - some rivetting entries from 1994 included:
"April 9th; we went to Dunoon by car. I was bored."
"January 16th: I tidyed my room" and then again on December 30th "I tidied my room again. It was my last chance." Apparently some things don't change...!

On transitions and sacrements

I really don't like being between things... Unfortunately at the moment I am between occupations, between churches, between flatmates (though I am loving living with my temporary lovely German flatmate who is both relaxing to be with and an endless source of interesting conversation!). To add to that is my strong dislike to not being busy.
It makes it hard for me to see the point. I feel aimless. A drifter.

The only concrete thing in my life at the moment, other than my fiancé currently swamped with heaps of studying, is Jesus. But even He seems like an idea sometimes, abstract and airy and with no bearing on my real life a lot of the time.

At the weekend I remembered again why I love communion. I know lots of people who think communion is dull and lifeless and boring... but my experience of it has always been nothing short of powerful, moving and alive! Every time something different in that many-layered profound symbolism strikes me - whether on a basic level e.g. his body was broken for us or on another level e.g. the fact that we are all a part of the body of Jesus, sharing in this one piece of bread. But what it is that makes it so real, is that it's physical - bread and wine are physical, I interact with them physically (by eating and drinking them). I'm overwhelmed when I see bread broken because I realise that Jesus' body was a real physical human body broken but the symbolism only works because the bread is physical and not some idea. And I don't just observe it from afar, I share in it. I touch it, munch it, taste it.

This is what I hold on to when nothing else is fixed - the physical reality of Jesus, who lived and died and rose again, the Father who is utterly just and to the uttermost forgives, the Spirit that transforms - my God.

growing

I'm recently went down to Worcester and stayed with Mark's family for a few days, getting tremendously well fed and enjoying english sunshine (which seemed to be a little bit warmer than the scottish variety! One learns interesting things about one's future other half when talking to one's future in-laws: anecdotes about their childhood, silly habits they used to have, games they used to play etc. Mark and one of his brothers used to have "thinkaboutthings" which apparently consisted of, surprise surprise, thinking about things - imagining themselves in situations, which apparently they would think about just before bedtime and report to one another in the morning. One of Mark's favourite thinkaboutthings involved running a nature reserve which even had a nettle patch for butterflies and where he employed his brother and his 12 (!!) children. Needless to say none of this seems to be in the pipeline or even in his dreams anymore...

Funny how our dreams change drastically. We dream a lot as children about the huge ways that we're going to leave our impression on the world. I was going to be a scientist, a detective, a forensic psychologist, a barrister, but my favourite and most persistent dream was that I was going to be a published novelist who single-handedly transformed the thinking of millions of people around the world. Now I'm happy enough if a handful people read my blog once in a while! Most of us have fairly big childhood dreams, but somewhere along the line, most of us slip into ordinary contented existences, or we realise that our dreams weren't quite a realistic as we'd originally thought or it'd take us being more brilliant or self-disciplined then we are in fact as adults. We don't quite become the people we wanted to be and so we can't quite achieve the dreams we'd wanted to achieve.

Actually for me it wasn't so much that as the more I experienced, the more the shape of my dreams changed. I stopped writing stories after I went to uni because I stopped enjoying pretending to be someone else and now I struggle to write about anything other than my own experiences. I still want to change peoples' lives but I'd be extremely happy if I have an effect on the people I meet on a day to day basis in small ways. I think the shape of my dreams changed because the bigger I grew, the smaller I realised I was. And yet at the same time, the bigger I grow, the bigger I realise God is, the greater is love, mercy, compassion, the more I realise he cares about the vulnerable, the downtrodden, the outcasts in society... Reminds me of that bit in Prince Caspian when Lucy encounters Aslan again in person for the first time since "The Lion, the Witch and The Wardrobe".

"Aslan," said Lucy, "you're bigger."
"That is because you are older, little one," answered he.
"Not because you are?"
"I am not. But every year you grow, you will find me bigger."

I think I'm even less sure of what I "want to do when I grow up" now that I have actually "grown up" than I did even when I was at uni! But I'd like to try and see things more through "God perspective" lenses and do what I can to live like Jesus and further His kingdom where broken lives get fixed.

On the highs and lows of street charity fundraising

So I'd been trying my hand at this melarkey for just over a week... I got good at stopping people on the street, bantering with the ones I didn't stop, talking about the charity but as soon as they hit me with excuses I crumbled.
"Oh I'm really skint right now..."
"We're going through a transitional phase in life right now, we've had to cancel a lot of our standing orders to charities..."
"I'd like to think it through. Do you have a website?"

"Oh that's ok, don't worry about it, I totally understand..." is supposed to be followed up with what is called "objection handling" in charity fundraising which is a form of arm-twisting, or as they call it "allowing people to see things from the charity's point of view" but I could never bring myself to do it! So I've temporarily lost my job. Temporarily because I'm apparently a nice person to work with and good for team morale so they want to give me another bash at it. So when they move onto another campaign I'm going to try my hand at it again if I don't find something else in the mean time. Anyway it definitely wasn't a wasted experience even if I don't go back. I certainly learnt a lot, including such valuable knowledge as...
- How to stop people in the street (you have to stand in front of them and start chatting to them from a distance, not side on or close up or they'll just walk straight past)
- People are very friendly even in Edinburgh! (or at least when it's not raining)!
- I am not in any way, shape or form a salesperson (though I think I kinda knew that already)
- fundraising is a tough job... show some respect for your local street fundraisers!

To do Lists

I loooove to do lists, especially when I have lots of things to do or lots of things to look forward to. My post-exam to-do list was a rather long one including such items as "get hair cut" which I accomplished fairly quickly and easily and others such as "tidy room" which I still haven't quite got round to. The other week, inspired by a throwaway comment about how making a baby giggle was up there in my top 10 favourite things to do in life, I wrote a top 10 things to do in the summer list... which is as follows (in no particular order)

1. blow bubbles outside (and watch them sparkle as they burst)

2. amuse a baby or two to the point that it induces contagious giggling (Random I know - but it was what inspired the list in the first place. Also something that is easily achieved on a long sunny day in the park)
3. enjoy some live music (either some live jazz in somewhere like the 78 or Brel or something that inspires silly dancing like Samba Ya Bamba)

4. eat strawberries, sugar and cream very slowly (mmm mmm)

5. walk on grass in bare feet

6. paddle in the sea

7. eat copious amounts of icecream (in cones and outside)
8. go to something at the West End Festival (so I can accomplish 3. on the list)
9. jam (preferably outside in the park)

10. read at least 3 books (have already read one and a half and it's not even been 2 weeks yet!)

I realise many of these depend on sunshine however I seemed to have done most of them over the last couple of weeks so I guess that would be a good sign!

Another to do list which I had been forming in my head for a while now is one for the ensuing 12 months which sort of answers that terrifying question - "so what are you going to do now you've finished uni?"

The list is as follows...

1. Get married to Mr Mark Spybey - who is pictured below (this is liable to happen sometime in spring next year :D!!)

2. Learn a language (I can't quite make my mind up between Arabic, Mandarin, Polish, Russian and Farsi, though the first is looking to be the most likely option at the moment)
3. Keep hanging out with foreigners in some capacity (doesn't get more specific than that just now I'm afraid!)

I think I like to do lists as much as I like bullet points! :)

the final push

Things that have been getting me through the final push...

- coursemates - I love doing such a socially-conducive course! Studying for French oral exams was naturally a communal thing and certainly made for a less boring day! (I know what you're thinking Potter - they were real exams!!)
- And there's the fact that part of studying for french involves reading newspapers (in french of course) :D
- episodes of Doctor Who on iplayer
- copious amounts of jazz especially the Esbjorn Svensson and Brad Mehldau Trios - can't beat that piano-bass-drums combo!

11 days to go! Not that I'm counting or anything...

In need of a title change

Been feeling this for a while... n'importe quoi is still my favourite french phrase and plays a prominent part in my vocab. On the other hand it never really described the way I felt towards blogging... though I do like a good spraff!
Not that the new title exactly describes the content of my blog either. But I think it comes closer to describing my attitude to life i.e. to savour each moment in the same way we Glasgow residents savour the rare sunny days we get - something which blogging has been a part of over the 3 and a half years.
Hmmm I do love sunshine :)
And I do love french words with lots of syllables that begin with "em" or "en", and there are SO many wonderful ones!

Take for example:

- embouteillage (n) - a traffic jam
- ensommeillé (adj) - sleepy
- enracinement (n) - the act of putting down roots/taking root
- embrouillamini (n) - muddle
- embourgeoiser (v) - to become middle class/gentrified
- embrasement (n) - blaze/dazzle/unrest (NB one 's') not to be confused with..
- embrassement (n) - hugging and kissing

Mmmm how I love the way they roll off they tongue... :)

Now what was I doing again...? Ah yes... back to neurophysiology...

On accent imprinting

Lately Mark has started to pick up a wee Scottish twang which I can take at least some credit for, mostly consisting of him rolling his "r"s herrre therrre and everrrywhere. Words like "tomorrra" and "allrrright" sound slightly out of place in amongst his Midlands vowels but I'm hoping those will soon get Scottishified too!

Accents are contagious! Until the age of 4 I had this kind of well-spoken non/almost Sri Lankan accent. As soon as I hit nursery this became a broad Queensferry accent which I can still turn on like a tap, and since uni my accent has got somewhat corrupted by northern-irishness amongst other things. Bizarrely enough my mum thinks I start to say "like" more often between words when I've spent a bit of time speaking french! Ben c'est comme ca quoi!And then there's all those little habits and turns of phrases we pick up from people. I've picked up all sorts, from adding the suffix "-ness" to the end of all of my adjectives and talking endlessly about "the ban'er" in my school days to adding "so I do" at the end of my sentences and saying everything is "actually ridiculous!" - that would be your fault Michie! Sometimes I pick them up accidently like when I start imitating someone's accent or mannerisms out of appreciation or just to tease them and somewhere down the line it becomes part of my own repetoire.I have a friend who picks up mannerisms from international students and keeps them for at least the year after they leave. It's as though they've left their imprint on him or that it's some kind of prolonged emotional connection.

I think there must be some kind of emotional connection or subconscious choice involved. I never picked up speech habits from people I didn't like or feel some kind of affinity with. Needless to say Mark likes Scotland. And I picked up the Scottish accent with such force when I was little because I was adamant that I was Scottish through and through, nothing more, nothing less. But there's more than just choice involved. I only pick up speech habits when I've spent a lot of time with someone. I do know the odd person who picks up an accent as soon as they start speaking to someone, even if it's one that's reasonably unfamiliar to them, but I am definitely not like that! I quite often forget that it's something similar with us and God. I long to be more like Jesus in character. But in order to make it happen, I need to spend time with him, to really get to know him. And I need to make some kind of conscious or subconscious choice to imitate him. The veil has been taken away and that's a huge deal! ...so why do we so often forget, take this for granted... why don't we just look to Him.

Grenoble: Le retour

"Going back" to a place is always a weird thing. There were some things that were just the same, I still knew the voice over in the tram off by heart - "Victor Hugo, correspondance avec la ligne B, 2, 22, 23, 31 et le reseau transisere", the mountains were still there (though I couldn't see them for most of my séjour as they were covered in cloud), the food is as good as I remember it, the French still bisous each other, still eat cheese and drink wine with almost every meal, still say "bah" and "fin" every third word...

Some things had changed, the addition of a new rather useless 5 stop long tram line not far from where I used to live, my favourite icecream place had changed name but the icecreams still tasted just as good! I met some new people, made some new friends,

But the other thing about going back is the memories, they came back with such life... I missed people who made certain good experiences wonderful. Eating an icecream wasn't the same without the crew from feu, frequenting my favourite cafe wasn't the same without the good friend I always frequented it with. A friend and I popped our head in at orchestra (she's no longer playing with them either) and it was bizarre to only recognise a handful of faces. A lot happens in 2 years... but I made some fab new memories - touring Chambery by bike, ski du fond, playing in the snow, salsa dancing, so many new people, international dinners, discovering libanese food hearing stories of the general strike of 1968, Hungary in the 50s and 60s...

and oh how I love speaking french!

It's good to remember that the past is past and the present is now... I'm glad to be home...

cabin bags

So I'm heading back to Grenoble tomorrow for the first time in almost 2 years. I'm going to have to carry all of my belongings in my 55x40x20cm cabin bag (£50 to add a bag on 2 flights, I tell you!!!) which will mean wearing a week's worth of clothes during the journey. I need room in the bag for taking nice Scottish things over and (more importantly) for bringing nice French things back! Anyone know if you can take cheese in cabin luggage on a plane?

On belief (or rather lack thereof)

I've been feeling pretty short on faith in general lately... There are two main reasons for this (though I could probably find more if I tried hard enough). First there's my limited mind capacity - the inclination to expect things to happen in a certain away and for God to act in a particular away. Putting God in a box. It takes stretching in order for my mind to expand and stretching tends to require stepping out of my comfort zone... hmmm... therein lies the problem.
Then there's my capacity to mess up, again and again and again - it leaves me feeling fed up and empty and despondent and utterly useless. This results in a lack of belief on my part in God ever changing me.
This lack of belief isn't something I've just noticed. I've been encumbered with it for as long as I've been a Christian, though only started realising and wrestling with it over the past year. See I've realised that, in theory, having belief would result in me praying more, would result in me trusting God more, would result in me stepping out of my comfort zone more, would result in me behaving and doing in a completely different way, would result in God acting in massive ways in and around me. But this shortage of belief, though it doesn't stop me, it stunts me, stunts all of these things... Ridiculous is the only way I can describe it! Actually Ridiculous!

But God... - I don't think I've ever fully understood this - grace. There are times when I think I've got it and then I forget it again. But it's not from me... That whole section in Ephesians 2 reminds me that I am rubbish, but God... He's what I need, He can give me what I need. He wants me to come and ask him to give me what I need. Because He freely gives.

Come, all you who are thirsty,
come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without cost.
Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.

Isaiah 55:1-2

That food and drink - that could be wisdom and righteousness and hope and love and belief... all we need do is ask!

On voice neurocognitive psychologists and diagrams

On Tuesday, my sort of supervisor showed me what she'd done to my data the other day to put in her own paper. It was this intelligent and beautiful rainbow spectrum of a graph, all blue, red and yellow, and where data overlapped it became purple and orange... it was preeetty! And it was the data that I'd collected! Sadly I won't be using it for my own project cos that would feel too much like cheating. Turned out she wasn't the only working on pretty diagrams. That same morning, one of the other francophones in the lab also showed me his crazy complex multiple graph diagrams that he'd been creating. And then yesterday (after a right cuffufle of forgetting the right usb stick with the version of my project that I'd been intensively working on over the last couple of days) I got some highly useful feedback from my actual supervisor.
At least half of what he said could be condensed into this:-
- "Put in some cool diagrams here and here and here and here"
(it may have been a summary of what he said but I assure you, the word "cool" made an appearance on several occasions). So I had a go at some "cool" diagrams today. I made a reasonable effort I think, but none of them come even close to the rainbow spectrum graph I saw on Tuesday :( siiiigh...

Lessons for the week:
- Programming matlab is a useful skill to learn
- Voice neurocognitive psychologists like "cool" diagrams
- Never put your usb stick in your jeans pocket so you don't lose it. You will inevitably forget to take it out the next day

Man am I becoming geeky... see what final year is doing to me!

fear of silence

I don't think I've got any less busy and yet at the same time it feels as though life's quietened down a bit. Perhaps it's because that voice of constant alertness that has accompanied a year of responsibility as gucu vp has been silenced for good. I miss the committee dudes but my head certainly feels a lot clearer for things that I'm needing to put more energy into right now like work and family and even just for hanging out with people. And for some reason, I'm finding it easier to grapple with silence. I go through phases of actually being somewhat scared of silence. Sometimes because I think I don't have enough time for it, or because it can leave me vulnerable to thoughts or fears or stresses that I don't have to think about when I'm busy. It's utterly ridiculous I know. Silence, especially silent acknowledgement of God is as beautiful as it is bread and butter to a Christian, I love how Coralie puts it here. Anyway I ended up writing this...


I like noise.
At multiple frequencies, high amplitude
in toing froing, hereing going,
in hustle bustle, constant doing,
in clutterclatter, chitterchatter,
the thrill of milling in a crowd.
I like it loud.

And I see You in everything
in all the constant toing froing
leaping out of action, chatter,
sparks in peoples' eyes

But in the silence... it's another story.
I have to strain so hard to see, so hard to hear,
to listen even.
Please don't be so quiet God!
Too much cramming, crowding, perpetuating...
I've lost the art of waiting.

And yet... You tell me to be still
quieten my heart, and know You're God,
that in trust, that in quietness, therein lies strength,
that in still still waters, therein lies nourishment.
How could I forget that breath-taking beauty
of just being with you...

Des bizarreries d'aujourd'hui

Today I was a little perplexed by

- my dad refusing to put ham in his sandwich this morning which contained the apparently satisfying and tasty combination of humous and chilli sauce
- a very lost and confused Indian woman with near incomprehensible english running very late for a job interview, who I went on a wild goose chase with, first looking for Buchanan Galleries, then Buchanan Bus Station, then for a bus to Bearsden. She was hoping that I spoke Hindi...
- a giant (at least 6 feet high and 12 feet wide) Adidas shoe box, literally blocking my path, in the middle of the square round the corner from my flat

Ah the joys of those petits bizarreries which render life all the more interesting!

flipflop cravings

For the first time ever, or at least for as long as I can remember, today I find myself looking forward to flipflop weather! Maybe it's the sunshine and blue sky today - the first we've seen in Glasgow since last Wednesday? Maybe it's my Sri Lankan genes kicking into action more than ever before, craving 30 degree humid heat and burning sun? Maybe it's just been a long winter? Either way it feels like a dangerous thing to look forward to, there is no certainty here in Scotland (especially in Glasgow) that this weather will ever come, and if it does I'll almost certainly be mid-finals. And to think it's only the middle of Febuary...! siiiiigh...

Doodling back to basics

Doodled out some thoughts I'd been having over the last couple of weeks, this morning. Man I love spider diagrams for making sense of my jumbled up my mind. And they're so useful for studying too! :)
I hope it's legible! Please let me know if something on this doesn't make sense... let me know if it does too if you'd like ;)

spice up your life!

400g of Extra Hot Chilli powder for £1.65 makes Dish a very happy girl :)

Looking around...

I meant to blog this article a while ago... I read this around a time when I was being overly and unhelpfully introspective and man did it breathe hope back into me. It helped me to look around me at the million minor miracles occurring all around me every day and praise the one responsible for them...

hmmm...

I have just been eyeing up my essay questions for french. They always pick such interesting and often contraversial topics, this semester's include:

For or Against the practice of strikes in France?
What are the causes of fanaticsm
Are religions a source of irrationality in our societies?
Is the internet an instrument of freedom or alienation?
Can we guarantee social well-being by respecting traditions?
Is feminism an exclusively western idea?
Is political power becoming a media power?
Is a truly multicultural society possible?

It actually makes my mouth water looking at them, unfortunately it also makes it difficult to choose between them! I also get to choose something contraversial to talk about in one of my Oral exams for my presentation. Anyway, I thought I would maybe tackle some of these (abridged and in english of course!) in my blog over the next few weeks. Gives me a good excuse to do some reading (in french) and might help me choose a good oral topic. Procrasination that is actually revision... ah how I love my course! :D

Saturdays, Change and Jesus!

Hmmm... I love Saturdays... I dunno how many times I've said that on this blog! I didn't get much of a Saturday last week cos I had an exam on the Monday. But am making up for it this weekend... I just love having unpressured, unscheduled time! :) Time for long phone chat with my family, time to book flights, time to supermarket shop, to post laaaate christmas cards, time to cook nice meals, time to tidy my room, time to study, time to finish blog posts that have been sitting in drafts for the last 2 weeks, time just to be...

So on this my 196th post I am stopping to reflect on how much and yet how little I have changed in the last 3 and a bit years since I started blogging. That first blog post was written out of procrastination and... now I think about it, so is this one, ha! I guess the emphasis of this blog has changed over time from being mainly banter in that first year, to a sort of travel log to keep folks updated while I was in France, to more musings than anything else in this last year and a half... maybe a little less n'importe quoi than it once was. Change is a good thing, maybe this blog will keep changing... on ne sait jamais!

I was having a bit o a crisis the other day because I'd been reflecting on the last year and pondering on whether I'd changed much or made any progress and didn't feel like I had made any. It seemed like I had learnt much and applied little. I seem to have such crises on regular occasions, like when I first came back from France or after this summer. Usually the pattern is, I have too much time to look at myself and see that I'm making the same mistakes that I've made time in time out in previous years and instantly get despondent and then usually not long afterwards that actually I have changed and I was just being silly as per usual. This time was no different.

Whether or not I end up feeling despondent for weeks or for years, I'm realising it's just too easy to look at myself too much. And when I do, I usually become discouraged or complacent... one or the other. I don't want to be completely unaware of myself but when I am happiest, when I am most effective, when I learn the most and when I change the most is when I look at him... Jesus. I'm reading the gospel of Mark with some CU folk in prep for the FREE project and have been struck by how real Jesus is and comes across. I've heard these stories over and over my whole life, but not reading them as isolated events in Jesus' life renders it differently somehow. Personality jumping out the pages at me, is the only way I can describe it! His identity and his death and resurrection mean that he is my hope, my light and my author of salvation and through him I can be a part of the family and kingdom of God. But I have rarely been so aware of this fact, and that He is alive and interacts with us today! I want to get to know him better...

A minute selection of highlights of 2008 (those few moments when I remembered I had a camera)

L->R: study sesh in the park with psych coursemates on a beautiful May day, one of many international dinners with 07/08 crew, one of many international parties with 08/09 crew, sister and I on the beach during music camp, "jellyfish" illustration in pictionary, the classic CU Houseparty photo, Glasgow Westend Festival parade day in June, Mads' hen party, 10 eating lunch in a tent porch at Forum, Lied jamming in my living room, celebrating my birthday with the family, admiring a rainbow at forum, silly dancing with the boys at the headphone disco, Mark and me.

Bring on 2009... year of new things!

My one resolution is that I live this year fully living, fully loving, with eyes wide open looking up and out...

Please help me

...a beautiful txt I received on Christmas morn

"He spoke and it came to be,
He cried and his mother fed him.
He commanded and it stood firm,
He whimpered and His father comforted him.

The Lord reigns,
He made himself nothing.
He is exalted over all the peoples,
A servant, born in the likeness of men.

Wonder of all time and space,
The creator chooses a dirty birth:
Born in a mucky shed,
Born in my mucky heart."

- Mark Spybey

On gripes and grumbles

There is something terribly Scottish about a good ol moan. According to this there are at least 15 words for "complain" in Scots and I'm sure there's a good few more. It's how we engage in small-talk, relate to one another or break ice in a conversation. Hot topic #1 has to be the weather, then comes increase in house prices, how busy we are and the amount of paperwork we have to do. As a student, Hot Topic #1 has to be exams closely followed by the amount of work we've given to do in such a short time and the busyness of the library to the point where it's almost impossible to find a seat. I know that I moan too much but I do it anyway because it's easy and because it makes for good small talk... Chatting to randoms is one of my favourite pastimes and the number of times I've started chatting to randoms in bus-stops over here because groaning communally about the crazy weather we've been having lately or the tardiness of public transport in this country.
But is this groaning, cultural though it is, even right?

I want my conduct to mirror of Jesus Christ who… “though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” (Phil2:6-8)
I’m realising more and more the vast importance of a heart attitude. My words and conduct simply mirror what’s inside, even if I try and pretend that there is something else there. And in this passage I see Christ’s attitude – humility, even though He was and is God, far above us humans in every way, yet that didn’t keep from the task at hand – enduring intense public humiliation, suffering, separation from the Father, death on a cross… Talk about a hard example to follow!

I don't think we should just ignore the things that are going wrong with our world, but I'm starting to think that I choose what I say more carefully and think more carefully about how I say it:- Laughing at the weather rather than groaning about it, noticing and being an antidote to what's going wrong in the world but doing it out of genuine concern and love and not just as a reason to groan or as an overspill of oversized ego. It's far too easy to point the finger at others and at other things without looking and seeing fault in myself. I’m aware that this makes it sound easy, or at least easier than it is to put into practice. Especially as it’s gonna take a complete heart-transplant to properly put into action. Min am I grateful though that we have a God who is more than able and willing to perform the operation!

la cuisine communale

Ah I do love the community aspect of student life! I wouldn't be able to count the number of times I'd fed or been fed by other folk in the last couple of weeks let alone the last few years! This week I have particularly enjoyed delicious braided bread (courtesy of the Breakeys), white sausages and "gourmet haggis" with cheese and mushrooms and broccoli, both bizarre but delicious, to name but a few.
It's something I don't want to lose when student life ends... just having folk around, here, there, whenever I can, people who I know and don't know, sharing life and love and food with them.

lab life

I have spent many hours in the Voice Neurocognition lab in the last month and a half... and now the end is nigh, I can't help but reminisce (in bullet-point form) of my toe-dip into the world of psychology research

Highlights have to include:
- my supervisor (bizzarely similar to my dear friend Loik), what with her delightfully dry french sense of humour and her curses and pffffts and groans (primarily aimed at computers)
- getting to do everything bilingual styleee :)
- the laid-back-ness of the lab
- getting to see people I like for a little bit every day because they have to come in to do my experiment :)

The less so fun moments include:
- getting a mouth full of cigarette fumes every time I enter the building (seems psychology academics like to smoke A lOT)
- the fact that everything took much longer than I expected it to, it's slightly disconcerting that my experiment was so based on the ability of other people
- running up the steep hill to the dept which always warms me up sufficiently in this freezing cold, and then overheating the minute I step into the stiffling air of the dept
- the laid-back-ness of the lab (only the phD students are ever in before 10) which causes problems when one has a subject booked in for 9 and no one who has the keys is in yet

Just 8 hours left this week and I have all my data, woop woop!!

au printemps...

THANK YOU FOR BOOKING WITH RYANAIR

GOING OUT
From Glasgow (Prestwick) (PIK) to Grenoble Lyon (GNB)
Sat, 28Mar09 Depart PIK at 18:10 and arrive GNB at 21:20

PAYMENT DETAILS
*********0.00 GBP Total Fare
********25.44 GBP Taxes, Fees & Charges
*********4.00 GBP Passenger Fee: CC
********29.44 GBP Total Paid

I didn't think I'd get round to it, or be able to afford it or that there's be anything at the right time, but a gander on the Ryanair website found me this cheap flight, right at the beginning of the Easter hols (before my french oral exams :)! And so I'm going back for the first time in a year and a half...!

Positive+ and another cheesy appearance on bbc2

Come along tonight to what should be a good gig for a good cause! (our band are playing too!)

Also made another appearance on the wondrous BBC iplayer, just here in fact (I'm on from around 16.05)

Mustard seed loving

I got into an argument with a physicist at an aforementioned party a while ago. He was trying to persuade me to do a phD and somehow we tangented onto talking about what was more effective, changing a society from the top down, earning yourself accolades and affects millions of people for years to come or changing the society from the bottom up, making a small or large impact in the lives of individuals. I don't think there is anything wrong with the first option, I only know that I am called to the second. I used to think that I would and could change the world singlehandedly. Mainly I wanted to write books that had a massive impact on a lot of people. My 12 year old journals read like a cringe-inducing episode from Dawsons Creek!
I don't know when my attitude changed. I think it's been a gradual thing, in fact I would go as far as to say that it's been a recent thing and I can pinpoint at least one critical moment where I suddenly became more aware of it.

My time in Grenoble was a steep learning curve. It was amazing to be on the receiving end of so much kindness. I discovered firsthand how small gestures like being invited round for lunch or people wanting to share time with me and not just smiles could have such a massive impact on an individual. But at the same time I found it incredibly frustrating to always be on the receiving end. I wanted to be giving too. Yesterday I heard it put well that it's hard to be yourself in another culture and even more so another language. It took me months before I could truly be myself in the french language and of course this restricted what I could do. And I don't think I fully realised that until I experienced it firsthand. It was basically like being thrust from being mega-extrovert into introvert overnight and twas a bit of a shock to the system for sure! People wouldn't necessarily take my suggestions so seriously, wouldn't necessarily ask me to do stuff or help out or being involved in things because I was a foreigner and didn't really know/understand what was going on (which was sometimes true). It was incredibly frustrating. But I do remember, sometime later in the autumn, something clicking in my head. I discovered that I could love God and the people around me through doing small things, like cleaning the tables after youth group at church, playing with kids, or helping out the internationals whose french was even worse than mine when they didn't understand what was going on.

France has only been one small part of this learning/realisation/eye-opening process... I always envied my friends who had felt like they had a strong calling, vision or passion, friends who are passionate about certain countries for example and know they're going to end up there for a large part of their lives. But without my even realising it, I've started burning with a heavy passion too. I want to be someone who makes every moment of life count, who loves individuals practically, with everything I am and have. And though I have seemed to be laiden with a particular burden for a particular need, everyone needs that kind of love! And I don't want to miss people just because I have my eyes trained on a certain group or need. I'm beginning to realise and see for myself that the Kingdom of God starts small and in an understated way... and it's beautiful because it is full of Jesus and His character and it's what lasts. I just need to have my eyes open and be willing and ready to act on what I see... (easier said that done of course!)

I leave you with 2 quotes.
The first an extract from a book I love that has a lot to say about small things and mustard seeds:
Re: John 14:2 “… I began to discover “the greater things”. It was not just miracles. I started to see the miracles were an expression not so much of Jesus’ mighty power, as of his love. In fact, the power of miraculous spectacle was the temptation he faced in the desert – to turn stones to bread or to fling himself from the temple. But what had lasting significance were not the miracles themselves but Jesus’ love. Jesus raised his friend Lazarus from the dead and a few years later, Lazarus died again. Jesus healed the sick, but they eventually caught some other disease. He fed the thousands, the next day they were hungry again. But we remember his love. It wasn’t that Jesus healed a leper but that he touched a leper, because no one touched lepers. And the incredible thing about that love is that it now lives inside of us. In the verses just after the one about the greater things. Jesus assures us that the Spirit now lives in us. Jesus says that he is going to the Father but will also remain inside of us and we in him. We are the body of Christ, the hands and feet or Jesus to the world. Christ is living in you and me, walking the earth. We shall do even greater things because the love that lived in the radical Christ now lives within millions of ordinary radicals all over the planet…I know miracles are real, story after story comes to find. But beyond the miracles, what has lasting significance is love. We can do all sorts of miracles, but if we have not love, it is nothing…”

And the other from Mother Teresa:
"We can do no great things, only small things with great love."

Highly unimpressed by this billboard advert I read in the underground yesterday -
"You are my desire, you are my lust, Princes Square, I love you."

Other than the fact that it is an utterly ridiculous advertisment for a shopping centre, it makes the assumption that lust = love. Surely the people who make such advertisments know better than this?! grrrr I could rant all day about this, but realised that I'd written vaguely related thoughts about this before. Hmm... actually reading that again makes me feel slightly less angry and almost understanding... almost

anything but nae chat

This afternoon in the uni library toilets I read this exquisitely profound piece of graffiti; a response to a series of gripes about men and how they are the bane of the female existence (most of which is unrepeatable, or at least I wouldn't put it on my blog) and the question "Are you happy" to which people had made such insightful remarks as "Yeah" and "sometimes"... - "This cubicle has nae chat."

This morning when I went into hospital to get my eyes looked at, the eye specialist also had "nae chat" regarding my eyes, telling me to come back next year, however it seems my subconscious had much to say, especially when she put some "anaesthetic eyedrops" into my eye. While my rational mind was thinking "This is fine, this doesn't even hurt!", my body was yelling "Aaaah stop touching my eye! Get that anaesthetic liquid away from me!!" and less than 30 seconds after I walked out of the room, decided to conk out on me... Most embarrassing! Felt like such a wuss.

I seem to be constantly be crossing paths with folk who seem to have plenty of chat re:God, Jesus, Christianity, the meaning of life and many many issues. From drunk philosophers at the QM stall to international friends to extremely intelligent but also crazy friend of friend physicists and am enjoying it very much! Especially as they also seem to be asking questions in order to get answers and not just to poke holes in what I believe :) However I have to keep reminding myself that chat isn't enough, chat only goes so far, we reason with people but we can't persuade. I am so aware in these chats and was so aware as I had the privelege of witnessing a dear dutch drummer gradually being drawn to Christ over the last semester, that words only take us so far. We may do the sowing but He does the growing. I do know this to be true both from the Bible and experience, but man is it hard to keep as my perspective! At the QM stall the other day one drunk guy quoted St Francis of Assisi at a few of us in an attempt to attack our hypocrisy rather than in an attempt to find answers. And at first it wound me up to no end because he wouldn't let any of the 3 of us who were there get a word in edgeways and jumped in a taxi before we could make any response at all. Then I was reminded that our manner of response is as important as our content. I felt silly that that should have annoyed me so much as though I don't want to be scared of using words, I want my whole life to speak the truth in the way Jesus' life did; acting justly, loving mercy, walking humbly with my God. And to do it all out of love for God and for people, because He first loved me.
Reminds me of another famous quote by St Francis of Assisi "Preach the gospel at all times, if necessary use words."

Pheeew... feeling rather challenged now. Dinner time!

Music only goes so far...

Lately I've been rediscovering the value and joy of approaching God with music. For quite a while singing in particular had, to some extent, lost flavour and sense of purpose to me (playing the cello on the other hand involving my body, soul, mind, everything seemed to be another matter altogether but I won't talk about that here). It seemed kinda odd considering the fact that I am an avidly music-loving enthusiastic musician and it moves me like nothing else. It bothered me a little at first but I think I needed to go through that as was in mid-realising that worship, real worship is a life thing, not a music thing, or a "worship time" thing. I am trying (though often forget) not to call times when we praise God using music "worship" because I am utterly convinced that worship is so sooo much more than just musical praise or what happens at an organised gathering of God's people. It should encompass, or rather just be our whole lives.
But over the last couple of months I’ve found purpose and joy in it again, though I couldn’t have put words together before to explain why that was the case. Through reading bits and pieces and having chats with various folk of varying opinions on topics such as whether we should sing songs that make promises like “I’ll give you everything” that we’ll never keep, I've realised that perhaps it’s my whole approach has changed drastically.
I think before, I wanted to praise God with my heart when I sang or made music to him. And I still do, but now so often I find myself thinking and praying, while I sing, that what I'm playing/singing wouldn't just be good music or half-felt words. Taking the example of lyrics like “I’ll give you everything” etc: I still find those songs difficult to sing but instead of singing them and making those promises, I find myself challenged by them, reminded that this is the only fitting response to such an incredible grace-gift, and while singing (if I’m switched on!) I ask Him to help me give my whole life completely over as worship, even if it is going to be a long and pain-staking process. Songs like that are becoming my prayers, and I was going to put there, "rather than praise" but actually I think that is as much praise as any kind of joyful jubilant rejoicing because it involves acknowledging that He is great and worthy of my whole life. So I find my first priority in music is becoming honesty rather than conviction in praise. Yeah… I think that’s what the change is. I think that must be what has made me fall in love with musicing to God again.

Des petits morceaux and a stress graph

It's been a funny couple o weeks.

Highlights have to include

- the persistence of my french magnetism which seems to be as strong as last year. I'm still meeting french folk in the randomest of places and so have spent much time speaking french. Yesterday the comedy moment of the day had to be having matlab explained to me in french by the research assistant who I'm working on my psychology final year project. Turns out almost everyone in the lab I'm working with is french! And I probably understand her better explaining it to me in french simply because she does a better job of it in her native language!

- discovering that songs such as Arcade Fire's "No cars go" can make what could be miserable walks around Glasgow in bucketing rain, trying not to skid on sad sodden leaves, kind of beautiful!

- rediscovering the joys of supermarket deals at Sainburys on Crow Road (it's worth the extra 5 minute walk!)

- playing purty celtic versions of hymns in purty surroundings which some ace musicians for the BBC

- having long quality chats with many cool people on a range of interesting topics, the benefits and pitfalls of arranged marriages being quite a hot topic!

- Quiet Saturdays when I get to potter productively

- Beautiful live music, jazz, Jo Mango, jamming etc.

Of course behind all this has been the niggle of stress as illustrated by the graph which has made it all into a slightly rocky ride. Stress caused by a general and fairly justified feeling of inadequacy because of my lack of ability to juggle things well and love God and people with all I have at the same time. But since last weekend, as you can see, due to some quality teaching at one of those UCCF trainings days, stress levels have plummeted. I was reminded that God's love doesn't depend on my performance. Jesus wouldn't have died for me if my performance had anything to do with it, but he did. Funny how a change in perspective can make everything else seem so much more manageable! And for that, des petits morceaux and for this I am so grateful! :)

The pros and cons of juggling

to juggle (as according to dictionary.com) verb meaning "to keep (several objects, as balls, plates, tenpins, or knives) in continuous motion in the air simultaneously by tossing and catching."

This sums up beautifully the nature of my life just now at uni. But having been out of the way of it these last few months, I've been finding it quite a shock to the system to be thrust back in there all of sudden, and with more objects in continuous simultaneous motion than ever before.
So here, to stop myself from ranting, are the pros and cons in bullet point form:

Pluses
- variety is the spice of life
- I like being busy
- I tend to get things more productively and effectively done when I only have short bursts at them

Minuses
- I never have quite enough time to just focus on one thing. Just when I get warmed into something I have to move onto something else.
- I do not like being too busy

I just realised I've pretty much contradicted myself in every one of those statements, each advantage is also a disadvantage which is also an advantage which is also a disadvantage.... hmmm... en bref, I think it's just gonna take a bit of time to get used to it again!

a forgotten poem

Was skimming through old writings and things on my usb and came across this, a forgotten poem I think I'd written just under a year ago. I want to post it because I think it is a testament to hope and healing because things are so different now to what they were then...

Who would have thought that it could be like this,
could be like this to miss...
We use all those clichés
A hole in the heart, a piece of me out
Feeling half empty, incomplete, worn
But to be honest, most of the time
It isn’t quite like that
I just feel quite sad.
And a little bit broken
Though that’s not all bad.
And most of the time I don’t notice a thing
Even when I’m aware
I still smile, shout, laugh, sing
I still feel a joy that bubbles within
But hurting, still hurting
And tears are so easy...

So I'm waiting on healing
A divine intervention
At least I know one thing
I am alive

A moment of silliness

The night before last I was expecting a call from Mark and stupidly put my phone in the part of my room where I get sporadic reception and then fell asleep. I woke up a couple of hours later in the middle of the night after having dreamt that he had been kidnapped by a Japanese gang who then came to my door and spoke to me. I didn't see him until I heard him shout "If you dare come here and speak to my girlfriend again I'll..." as he was being carried down the stairs! I then tried to hunt him down, get some help from some friends and rescue him but didn't get very far before I woke up feeling somewhat alarmed! It was sooo vivid that I picked up my phone and phoned him.
He answered...
"... grunt ..."
"I just dreamt that you were kidnapped by a Japanese gang!"
...long pause... "It's ok. I haven't been kidnapped. I'm ok."
The next morning it was suggested that he could have been held at gunpoint and made to say that... somehow I think not.

The subconscious is a funny thing...!

on being a samaritan and sniffling

Today was my first shift as part of the international welcome programme. I feel like a double agent with a double agenda! On the one hand I'm trying to be a good paid university employee, on the other, I'm trying to be a Jesus loving "good Samaritan" i.e. going out of my way to help my neighbour (the international student in need of friends). I'm loving the fact that I can basically do both at the same time! I sooo want a job that allows me to do that after I graduate!

In other news, I spent last week camping on what rapidly became a swamp (as seen in this photo--->) on the Welsh border at the national CU Leaders conference Forum... much much banter was had, mud, frugal but funny meals, more mud, severe weather warnings, getting our cars stuck in the ditch on an escapade to the pub, laughter and some excellente chances to get fed and taught and trained! I especially recommend these talks here which you can listen to online. "Eye-opening" is probably how best to describe them. After a week of wet socks, I think we're all sniffling now...

inspirations

My Ammappa (tamil for mum's dad) passed away in Sri Lanka last week after 3 months on his death's bed. The strength of my grandparents and my mum for that matter has never ceased to amaze me! Thing is, they seemed to get all their strength from the best source of all. so maybe I shouldn't be all that surprised. Tis inspiring that's for sure! I remember one phonecall to Sri Lanka to my gran who in one breath told me about how Ammappa had been falling out of bed confused by morphine at 3am and another joked around about my recent romantic affiliation. They were and are never self-centred or self-focussed even when they had every right to be. And my mum is the same. That's what I want to be like even when the world's collapsing round me! I want to be like Jesus...

Things I have learnt in the past few days

- an 87p packet of antihistamines is too good to be true. I appear to still be sneezing like a madwoman this morning!
- the french dept is suffering cutbacks and my course choices have been affected, no one cares about languages in the UK :(
- one should go to the optician reguarly
- the gospel of Mark is exciting!
- the HMV on Argyle Street caters for people of obscure music taste like myself, the HMV on Sauchihall Street doesn't
- getting a paid job that you would more than happily do for free rocks!

scrrrumptious

One of the things I loved most about south of France culture was the lifestyle that revolves around eating. The french reeeeally know how to enjoy their food! Meals are usually long, they last several courses, each one enjoyed round the table with family and friends. No one ever hurries to eat their meal. Even at school, the lunch hour was 2 hours long, an hour of eating and hour for clubs and recreational activity. There was even a stash of wine and cheese for staff who felt the urge! My favourite meals were those when I was invited round for dinner by a french family and we sat eating till well after dark. Every bite is savoured, seasoned with avid conversation, sometimes silences.
There are few things I enjoy more than spending a couple of hours at the table eating a scrumptious meal with people I love. Anyone who knows me will know how excited I get about a plate of good food! (see photo above) I love to savour every bite and then spend loads of time just sitting with the people at the table afterwards digesting :) hmmm (satisfied siiiigh)
Do I have that same attitude to spending time with God? I think that time should be as unrushed, savoured, slowly digested, seasoned with both conversation and silence... And yet so often it isn't... I read this a couple of years ago and came across it again last night. It strikes a chord because it's too often true of me. Makes me think of that banquet parable... although I know it isn't necessarily talking about that, when I read it I can't help but think on how often I end up making excuses!
It's more than just that though, I was thinking about how Jesus describes himself as the Bread of life. But that isn't the only reference made to where our sustenance should come from...
Comparing time with God to time with a yummy scrummy meal helps me to think about my eagerness to spend time with God as much as how I do it. En bref quality time enjoyed.

Energy

Yesterday marked the end of an almost solid 3 weeks of youth/kids work. SU Music Camp followed by Maranatha Camp followed by my Glasgow church (Findlay)'s holiday club. Now I am regularly described as a highly energetic person. Once I start dancing on a night out I can keep going and going and going and going. Now I knew I would be tired from doing two residential christian camps in a row but I didn't expect the kind of tiredness I ended up with. I expected sleep deprivation, physical exhaustion, tiredness of the kind where you can't keep your eyes open. Instead I ended up with the kind that seeped out all the joy I had in doing almost everything I loved doing. I wasn't that physically tired and yet this kind of tiredness was so much more zapping. I read this for the first time in ESV translation at the beginning of last week when I was feeling at my most zapped. It says "those who wait for the Lord will renew their strength..."
Waiting does not come naturally to me, I like to do as much as possible as soon as possible. I usually do first and think afterwards which is sometimes good and other times not so.
But I don't think this waiting is procrastinating, inactive kind of waiting around. It's knowing and remembering and seeking and listening in stillness, it's opening the curtains of my heart every day and enjoying the warmth of the sun. These past few days I've been learning how to wait again and I've feel like I've just woken up from a long sleep. Energy and motivation have returned. Ironic since I've spent every morning in the last week running and singing and dancing exuberantly with primary school age kids. I've been very aware of this; his energy at work within me.

My heart and my flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart, my portion forever. Ps73:26

On living with a bride-to-be

This morning the last of the wedding entourage disappeared... and once again we are a flat of 2... ah twas a beautiful day and so special to be so involved! Tis rather sad though... I have made more than a few new friends over the last weeks and have got to speak a lot a French! :) Living with a bride to be has been an experience...! You might get accidentally mocked in the father of the bride's speech because he thought a message written on your noticeboard was written by his daughter and not by you, have to deal with a constant flow of people (no difference there really though!), have to deal with frequent mood swings, end up with twice as much milk as what you started of with because the mother of the bride wants to make up for "invading your space". All in all it has been a fun and chaotic few weeks and I'm very glad that Mr and Mrs Sharpe have only moved around the corner :)

Prince Caspian

Saw this tonight with two of my flatmate's bridesmaids-to-be and it was amaaaazing!!! Again the C.S Lewis magic was beautifully captured on film, beautifully played, the characters came out brilliantly and were well developed over the course of the film. I love the fact that a plot can be so fantastical yet the characters, their personalities and inner tests and struggles they go through are so tangible and easy to identify with :)
And again Edmund proved to be my favourite character of all, Lydie (maid of honour/la dame de la cote d'or) put it beautifully when she said "I love that he's so humble, or rather so humbled. Edmund's living under grace and he knows it."
I also love the fact that my heart goes a putter and I get excited shivers when Aslan appears!
...and I'm going to see it again next week with the bf and sis! woop woop! :)

On hen parties, samba gigs and helping little old ladies

I was just thinking of what I've been up to over the last couple of weeks. I've been unemployed and not loving it, but now that I think about it... I've not exactly been bored, what with job-hunting, tidying and re-tidying the flat, organising a rather large hen party, attending another, dancing my socks off in my favourite venue, enjoying the parade, getting a free 3 course meal in returning for helping a lost little lady on the street (blog post to follow), staying up too late and then catching up on sleep again, baking cakes at silly hours, accumulated copious boxes and musical instruments - we now have a keyboard, a trombone, a violin, a couple of guitars, cello and darbuka (drum) - (only the latter 3 actually belong to flat residents), the chaos that ensues when a flatmate is getting married, some jamming and mix that in with a touch o frustration, excitement, joy, grief...
I'm so thankful that God doesn't change even if everything else does!
And also for laughter :)

living in "holy fear"

I've been thinking about this for a while... So it's summer now and as soon as I found a way to relax post-exam time (took a lot longer than expected) I hit that post-exam lazy period and instantly found myself battling with both laziness and numbness... Yeah I know it's important to relax and all that, but there must be a balance somewhere, right? So right now I'm striving to find that balance. In the midst of everything I've been doing (see previous post), with that summer feeling and the job-hunting and everything else, I want to still be seeking God with all of my heart. So how do I keep the balance...?
The phrase that has stuck in my head the last wee while has been "holy fear", it comes from the NIV version of this verse "By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family." Hebrews 11:7 though I guess a better way of putting it would be "reverent fear" like it says here. I think we often forget or at least I often forget that God is magnaminously holy... and His holiness is kinda scary! It's incredible that he shows us any mercy at all! But then that's what makes it so amazing, that's what makes it grace... we can approach Him, be part of His family because of Jesus! But then I should be living my life in light of that... in light of grace, every breath is a gift and I should always be aware of that.
I think there is an antidote to laziness, to complacency, to taking God's grace for granted and it's knowing God, knowing His justice, His righteousness, His mercy, His holiness, His gift of grace. Surely if we start to grasp these things and that they are all characteristics of the one and only God, then we couldn't possibly live in vain!

summer begins...

hmmm summers... not sure what I think of them really! Nearly all of my summers, except perhaps the last one have involved lots of waiting and trusting till I reach the end of my tether. This summer has been no different. I have been trying and applying and trying and applying to go away on mission abroad this summer and nothing has suited or fitted or worked out. I was supposed to go to Romania with Africa Inland Mission and now (because I was the only confirmed accepted member of the team) I'm not, clearly God has other plans! There was a jury citation sticking out like a sore thumb this week but I didn't get picked for that. So I've been job-hunting and recording an album and going to what has seemed like a million birthday parties (which have included...

a trip to Dumfries, a surprise for the flatmate, about 20 bouquets of flowers in our kitchen, seeing people I haven't seen for ages in a nice pub and an international food/fancy dress soiree) and hanging out with folk and cooking a lot and eating icecream and going to the park and catching up on sleep and saying goodbye to internationals (a post devoted to that will follow), hmm maybe (with the exception of goodbyes and mega uncertainty) I do like summers... :)

When a scar becomes a feature...

"When everything's grey - colours become really evident."

I was really aware of this in exam-time where things like bumping into someone in the library or a nice dinner become a huge treat. (Though now my exams are over, I'm having to work harder to enjoy little things with all the post-exam fatigue and busyness I'd put off for after exams hogging my time!)

I'm also really aware of this looking back at the last couple of years, after a long time of feeling like Humpty Dumpty. Tis such a sad nursery rhyme really. When I was really really little I used to sing those last two lines with my saddest voice possible:

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

All the king's horses and all the king's men

couldn't put Humpty together again :(

I don't think I am always aware of my scars, but then something triggers off a painful memory or an uber-emotional response that catches me off guard and I remember again. They are scars accumulated over the last couple of years in particular, that lie dormant just under my skin and that have always been easier just to ignore. And it's easy enough to ignore them in busyness when everyone else is oblivious to them. Still when I am aware of them, they've always seemed so permanent, making me feel like a Humpty Dumpty. Anyway in recent months, some healing has finally been taking place. The King can put Humpty together again :)

The bizarre thing is, I'm starting to realise that the scars will be a permanent fixture but this is actually a good thing! The acts that caused the scars were most definitely not good, but the scars themselves are playing a part in defining me. They keep me aware of my brokeness and aware of His grace, kinda like it says here, because I am aware of my fragile broken jarofclaylike nature, I am more aware of the fact that it's His power working in me that makes things happen... and it's as though pieces are being put together but in a different and perhaps better combination to the way they were before.

Things also seem brighter before they did before, because I went through the grey, because I did break into many pieces, I am able to better appreciate wholeness and sunshine when I have it! It's a bit like with Glasgow and sunshine: on one of those rare beautiful days, the whole city is out soaking it up because they are rare. We appreciate the beautiful days so much more!

What is amaaazing and what I do want to draw your attention to is that, He's able to regenerate, restore, renew, resurrect and yet what is made whole again is always better than before!!! It blows my mind! Tis crazy that we have such a powerful yet compassionate God! :) Thankyou

blue sky patches in the cloud that is exam-time

Sunshine, wearing flipflops, jamming/studying/wandering in the park (of which I do have pretty photos, but these are on my flatmates computer which is currently down in London with her fiancee, doh!), heartbreaking news, playing in the pitchdark planeterium with the band, new beginnings, giggles, silly late nights, scrabulous, getting fed, plenty banter, bonding over exam pains, fluishness forcing me to have a day off when I needed it so much, hearing and being freshed by the gospel yet again at one of those leader days run by them, sunshine, good jazz (both live and on lastfm.com)...

And I finally finally saw Once! Bizarrely realistic! :- from that first jamming encounter where everything just clicks, band practices in tiny bedrooms, the jamming dinner party... and all so beeeeyooootiful!

And the cloud ends (at least for me) on Thursday afternoon.... oh yeah :)

Animated Iranians

I'd originally intended not to blog until exams are over. But to be honest, I need a brain break!
Plus this film (which I saw on Tuesday) was truly amaaaazing, I've been dying to rave about it!
Why is it amaaazing?
Because: (in bullet point form)
- It's aesthetically beautiful
- The characters are so real and well depicted
- It's witty and often very funny
- It's highly educational! I didn't know anything about Iranian politics or political history yet didn't feel lost at all since it explains it all really well!

Amazing I tell you! Go see it!

Wanted: Polaroid

A fellow sortofGlasgower Emma is going to Uganda/Rwanda in 8 weeks. I definitely recommend checking this out

gems

Lastfm.com is genius... especially when one is procrastinating :D
You stick in an artist you like into a box and it generates a whole load of music that is similar to it!

And through this I have fallen in love with these gems...
- Fionn Regan=purty!
- Adem=ohsobeautifully constructed music
- Kings of Convenience= very chilled but luscious harmonies
- And I've been a fan of Beirut, which I found via 3hive, for quite some time now

And then I've discovered that artists I'd originally dismissed as boring have actually made beautiful songs, notably KT Tunstall with the song "Silent Sea"

Good music does help me to study! Honest!

What would I do without bbc i player?!

Completely forgot about this until someone "beboed" me to tell me they'd seen me on tv yesterday! Doh!

It was filmed back in November to be fair! Songs of Praise (episode 2) - from 14 minutes...
http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/page/item/b00b099r.shtml

I've got cabin fever...

This is what silly long hours in the library does to me...




Cabin Fever ah!

At the age of 40, by 9' o clock

Just to give you background on this post. On one of our many french lesson tangents, I was challenged by him to write a story with that first line...
Now just to inform you, what a lot of people don't know is I used to be a compulsive story writer. I was addicted! It was better than TV, better than reading, better than music (maybe that says something about how exciting my life was back then :S)
Anyhoo I tried to write a story based on that title and didn't do so well. In fact I realised I couldn't anymore, there is too much going on in real life to escape it anymore or to make a new one for myself, which is what writing had always been to me. It was, back then, in childhood, escapism. And now I don't want to escape, I want to live! And all I can manage is this jarbbled prose-esque poetry. See I still love words but I've forgotten how to lose myself in another character. I can only write as myself. So this is what I came up with... a genuine fear...

At the age of 40, by 9' o clock, on a Tuesday morning, when the rain has stopped, and the kids have just left for school and the husband for work and the people carrier is sitting vacant, still, after a morning's work, what will I be? What will move me?
If I get a stable job, "career" I should say, a comfortable life, "settle down", will I still be living? And when I say living, I mean really living... breathing, wide-eyed with each breath. By sunsets, scrumptious chords, silly words, real smiles.
Or will I just be numb? Settle for little. Half-hearted days, hollow nights. Comfort having blunted the tips of my nerve-ends. Content just to stagnate in a detached house, drive the kids to music lessons, dance classes, day job, kiss my man good morning, good night. Content that my chat is just gossip, my friends just middle-class, drifting along with what comes easy. Never to engage with the world beyond my front doorstep, beyond what I can see and hear, beyond this suburban dome. Content to give money but never my life. Never to reach up, reach out, yearn for more, love, knowledge, truth, understanding, likeness, lifeblood of my maker.
The very thought strikes chords of fear in my heart, phantom of the opera-esque. "To die slowly" and not . To never have given my all...
Even if I choose that suburban lifestyle, though right now I can barely imagine myself in it... I want to stay here, on a rock that is higher than I, in awareness of brokenness, always in need of that which I do not deserve, always seeing more that needs to change, yet always ever more amazed, ever more in love with Him, in love with them... I don't want an ordinary life, I want one full to brimming.
A prayer to the God of my life... At the age of 40, by 5'o clock, on a Tuesday morning, when the rain has stopped... that's where I want to be.

In need of pruning

These are my roses which sit by my (as you can see) grubby window, hardly get watered, yet still seem to flourish regardless. Or at least that's what they looked like a couple of days after I returned from a 10 day long stint in Edinburgh last week. At first they'd looked very sad and wilted so I gave them some water hoping that they would spring back to life as they have done in the past which they kind of did - well as you can see... they became this mixture of dead and living leaves growing from the same branches. It was kinda like the dead leaves were getting in the way, just hanging on even though they were dead and impeding new leaves from sprouting. "in need of pruning" was my first thought...

And then that got me thinking... that's kinda like me. I'm a mixture of living and dead bits I think. There are some parts of my life that are flourishing, where God has been moving and I get excited and feel alive just thinking about them. And then there are other parts... they need to change or just go. I can't grow anymore when there's all these dead leaves getting in the way, just like the plant.

So what are these dead leaves? There are a lot of them and I don't think I could put a name to them all or am even aware of a lot of them. But I think most of them stem from pride and selfishness, and that in turn stems from not fully understanding or always being aware of the fact that God is the centre of the universe not me. In Him all things hold together, everything is sustained by Him, depends on Him and that includes me and everything I do.

I think one of the biggest traps I've been falling into of late is thinking that what I do and how well I do it defines me. I find myself drawing identity and self-worth from this. And those thoughts hinder me. They hinder me cos I think I need to do everything, I start doing things just for the sake of feeling useful or used. Sometimes I start doing too much and man oh man are my motives throroughly messed up!

I've been learning over the last while that this is my identity. Not what I do or how successful it is, though God wants me to do everything as well I can and use what He has given me. This tells me that God doesn't actually need me to do His work at all. He's God after all, creator, sustainer, author and perfector of everything. But out of His grace He chooses to use me, to use any of us. Though we mess things up and don't always do things His way and make mistakes which are often humungous. He still wants to make us a part of His plan! Wow!!!
I read this earlier and noticed this:- God uses the Samaritan women to spread the word about Jesus! I mean, a Samaritan woman! She would have been undesirable in every sense of the word; because she was a woman, because she was a Samaritan, looked down on by Jesus' own countrymen and probably looked down on even by her own people because of her loose morals and messy marital history. Yet Jesus gave her the time of day. And people believed in him "because of her testimony"!
That challenges the way I look at myself and also the way I look at others. Even amongst people who are "marginalised" and my role is to love, it is so easy to take on a patronising self-righteous "I'm helping these people" attitude, not treating them like the equals they are, and I will still find myself drawn to those with decent banter or looks or even with "potential". Yet Jesus sees worth in everyone that we can't always see. He sees people as people, made in God's image.

I'd like to see that too.

P.S Apologies for the length of that! Those were a lot of thoughts building up over the last wee while. And I am spending loooooong hours in uni library right now!

Lied

This post has been a long time in coming... I gush enough about these guys in person I may as well do it in a blog.




So from left to right...
Loik - Breton guitarist extraordinaire (also has a remarkable talent for french pffffffffffffts)
Ilhan - dutchman with east kilbride accent is provider of pistachios, also perfectionist drummer (I forget what kind of drum it is), recorder and author of the "bits analyses"
Elaine, scottish lass with beautiful voice and remarkable talent for making up melodies on the spot to beautiful chords that Loik plays
I cello and giggle (both of which get caught on cheap mp3 player) and eat most of the pistachios (they're as addictive as biscuits ;P)

Together we jam and laugh and eat pistachios and jam some more, and everytime we jam a new song is spontaneously sparked. So we record it, Ilhan emails them to us complete with a bits analysis e.g "3.56-3.58 - perfect guitar bit" and we can then play and refine and play and refine some more...

aaaaaaaah I love it! (in case you hadn't already guessed) :)