Thursday, March 05, 2009

fear of silence

I don't think I've got any less busy and yet at the same time it feels as though life's quietened down a bit. Perhaps it's because that voice of constant alertness that has accompanied a year of responsibility as gucu vp has been silenced for good. I miss the committee dudes but my head certainly feels a lot clearer for things that I'm needing to put more energy into right now like work and family and even just for hanging out with people. And for some reason, I'm finding it easier to grapple with silence. I go through phases of actually being somewhat scared of silence. Sometimes because I think I don't have enough time for it, or because it can leave me vulnerable to thoughts or fears or stresses that I don't have to think about when I'm busy. It's utterly ridiculous I know. Silence, especially silent acknowledgement of God is as beautiful as it is bread and butter to a Christian, I love how Coralie puts it here. Anyway I ended up writing this...

I like noise.
At multiple frequencies, high amplitude
in toing froing, hereing going,
in hustle bustle, constant doing,
in clutterclatter, chitterchatter,
the thrill of milling in a crowd.
I like it loud.

And I see You in everything
in all the constant toing froing
leaping out of action, chatter,
sparks in peoples' eyes

But in the silence... it's another story.
I have to strain so hard to see, so hard to hear,
to listen even.
Please don't be so quiet God!
Too much cramming, crowding, perpetuating...
I've lost the art of waiting.

And yet... You tell me to be still
quieten my heart, and know You're God,
that in trust, that in quietness, therein lies strength,
that in still still waters, therein lies nourishment.
How could I forget that breath-taking beauty
of just being with you...

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