Looking around...

I meant to blog this article a while ago... I read this around a time when I was being overly and unhelpfully introspective and man did it breathe hope back into me. It helped me to look around me at the million minor miracles occurring all around me every day and praise the one responsible for them...

hmmm...

I have just been eyeing up my essay questions for french. They always pick such interesting and often contraversial topics, this semester's include:

For or Against the practice of strikes in France?
What are the causes of fanaticsm
Are religions a source of irrationality in our societies?
Is the internet an instrument of freedom or alienation?
Can we guarantee social well-being by respecting traditions?
Is feminism an exclusively western idea?
Is political power becoming a media power?
Is a truly multicultural society possible?

It actually makes my mouth water looking at them, unfortunately it also makes it difficult to choose between them! I also get to choose something contraversial to talk about in one of my Oral exams for my presentation. Anyway, I thought I would maybe tackle some of these (abridged and in english of course!) in my blog over the next few weeks. Gives me a good excuse to do some reading (in french) and might help me choose a good oral topic. Procrasination that is actually revision... ah how I love my course! :D

Saturdays, Change and Jesus!

Hmmm... I love Saturdays... I dunno how many times I've said that on this blog! I didn't get much of a Saturday last week cos I had an exam on the Monday. But am making up for it this weekend... I just love having unpressured, unscheduled time! :) Time for long phone chat with my family, time to book flights, time to supermarket shop, to post laaaate christmas cards, time to cook nice meals, time to tidy my room, time to study, time to finish blog posts that have been sitting in drafts for the last 2 weeks, time just to be...

So on this my 196th post I am stopping to reflect on how much and yet how little I have changed in the last 3 and a bit years since I started blogging. That first blog post was written out of procrastination and... now I think about it, so is this one, ha! I guess the emphasis of this blog has changed over time from being mainly banter in that first year, to a sort of travel log to keep folks updated while I was in France, to more musings than anything else in this last year and a half... maybe a little less n'importe quoi than it once was. Change is a good thing, maybe this blog will keep changing... on ne sait jamais!

I was having a bit o a crisis the other day because I'd been reflecting on the last year and pondering on whether I'd changed much or made any progress and didn't feel like I had made any. It seemed like I had learnt much and applied little. I seem to have such crises on regular occasions, like when I first came back from France or after this summer. Usually the pattern is, I have too much time to look at myself and see that I'm making the same mistakes that I've made time in time out in previous years and instantly get despondent and then usually not long afterwards that actually I have changed and I was just being silly as per usual. This time was no different.

Whether or not I end up feeling despondent for weeks or for years, I'm realising it's just too easy to look at myself too much. And when I do, I usually become discouraged or complacent... one or the other. I don't want to be completely unaware of myself but when I am happiest, when I am most effective, when I learn the most and when I change the most is when I look at him... Jesus. I'm reading the gospel of Mark with some CU folk in prep for the FREE project and have been struck by how real Jesus is and comes across. I've heard these stories over and over my whole life, but not reading them as isolated events in Jesus' life renders it differently somehow. Personality jumping out the pages at me, is the only way I can describe it! His identity and his death and resurrection mean that he is my hope, my light and my author of salvation and through him I can be a part of the family and kingdom of God. But I have rarely been so aware of this fact, and that He is alive and interacts with us today! I want to get to know him better...

A minute selection of highlights of 2008 (those few moments when I remembered I had a camera)

L->R: study sesh in the park with psych coursemates on a beautiful May day, one of many international dinners with 07/08 crew, one of many international parties with 08/09 crew, sister and I on the beach during music camp, "jellyfish" illustration in pictionary, the classic CU Houseparty photo, Glasgow Westend Festival parade day in June, Mads' hen party, 10 eating lunch in a tent porch at Forum, Lied jamming in my living room, celebrating my birthday with the family, admiring a rainbow at forum, silly dancing with the boys at the headphone disco, Mark and me.

Bring on 2009... year of new things!

My one resolution is that I live this year fully living, fully loving, with eyes wide open looking up and out...

Please help me

...a beautiful txt I received on Christmas morn

"He spoke and it came to be,
He cried and his mother fed him.
He commanded and it stood firm,
He whimpered and His father comforted him.

The Lord reigns,
He made himself nothing.
He is exalted over all the peoples,
A servant, born in the likeness of men.

Wonder of all time and space,
The creator chooses a dirty birth:
Born in a mucky shed,
Born in my mucky heart."

- Mark Spybey

On gripes and grumbles

There is something terribly Scottish about a good ol moan. According to this there are at least 15 words for "complain" in Scots and I'm sure there's a good few more. It's how we engage in small-talk, relate to one another or break ice in a conversation. Hot topic #1 has to be the weather, then comes increase in house prices, how busy we are and the amount of paperwork we have to do. As a student, Hot Topic #1 has to be exams closely followed by the amount of work we've given to do in such a short time and the busyness of the library to the point where it's almost impossible to find a seat. I know that I moan too much but I do it anyway because it's easy and because it makes for good small talk... Chatting to randoms is one of my favourite pastimes and the number of times I've started chatting to randoms in bus-stops over here because groaning communally about the crazy weather we've been having lately or the tardiness of public transport in this country.
But is this groaning, cultural though it is, even right?

I want my conduct to mirror of Jesus Christ who… “though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” (Phil2:6-8)
I’m realising more and more the vast importance of a heart attitude. My words and conduct simply mirror what’s inside, even if I try and pretend that there is something else there. And in this passage I see Christ’s attitude – humility, even though He was and is God, far above us humans in every way, yet that didn’t keep from the task at hand – enduring intense public humiliation, suffering, separation from the Father, death on a cross… Talk about a hard example to follow!

I don't think we should just ignore the things that are going wrong with our world, but I'm starting to think that I choose what I say more carefully and think more carefully about how I say it:- Laughing at the weather rather than groaning about it, noticing and being an antidote to what's going wrong in the world but doing it out of genuine concern and love and not just as a reason to groan or as an overspill of oversized ego. It's far too easy to point the finger at others and at other things without looking and seeing fault in myself. I’m aware that this makes it sound easy, or at least easier than it is to put into practice. Especially as it’s gonna take a complete heart-transplant to properly put into action. Min am I grateful though that we have a God who is more than able and willing to perform the operation!

la cuisine communale

Ah I do love the community aspect of student life! I wouldn't be able to count the number of times I'd fed or been fed by other folk in the last couple of weeks let alone the last few years! This week I have particularly enjoyed delicious braided bread (courtesy of the Breakeys), white sausages and "gourmet haggis" with cheese and mushrooms and broccoli, both bizarre but delicious, to name but a few.
It's something I don't want to lose when student life ends... just having folk around, here, there, whenever I can, people who I know and don't know, sharing life and love and food with them.

lab life

I have spent many hours in the Voice Neurocognition lab in the last month and a half... and now the end is nigh, I can't help but reminisce (in bullet-point form) of my toe-dip into the world of psychology research

Highlights have to include:
- my supervisor (bizzarely similar to my dear friend Loik), what with her delightfully dry french sense of humour and her curses and pffffts and groans (primarily aimed at computers)
- getting to do everything bilingual styleee :)
- the laid-back-ness of the lab
- getting to see people I like for a little bit every day because they have to come in to do my experiment :)

The less so fun moments include:
- getting a mouth full of cigarette fumes every time I enter the building (seems psychology academics like to smoke A lOT)
- the fact that everything took much longer than I expected it to, it's slightly disconcerting that my experiment was so based on the ability of other people
- running up the steep hill to the dept which always warms me up sufficiently in this freezing cold, and then overheating the minute I step into the stiffling air of the dept
- the laid-back-ness of the lab (only the phD students are ever in before 10) which causes problems when one has a subject booked in for 9 and no one who has the keys is in yet

Just 8 hours left this week and I have all my data, woop woop!!

au printemps...

THANK YOU FOR BOOKING WITH RYANAIR

GOING OUT
From Glasgow (Prestwick) (PIK) to Grenoble Lyon (GNB)
Sat, 28Mar09 Depart PIK at 18:10 and arrive GNB at 21:20

PAYMENT DETAILS
*********0.00 GBP Total Fare
********25.44 GBP Taxes, Fees & Charges
*********4.00 GBP Passenger Fee: CC
********29.44 GBP Total Paid

I didn't think I'd get round to it, or be able to afford it or that there's be anything at the right time, but a gander on the Ryanair website found me this cheap flight, right at the beginning of the Easter hols (before my french oral exams :)! And so I'm going back for the first time in a year and a half...!

Positive+ and another cheesy appearance on bbc2

Come along tonight to what should be a good gig for a good cause! (our band are playing too!)

Also made another appearance on the wondrous BBC iplayer, just here in fact (I'm on from around 16.05)

Mustard seed loving

I got into an argument with a physicist at an aforementioned party a while ago. He was trying to persuade me to do a phD and somehow we tangented onto talking about what was more effective, changing a society from the top down, earning yourself accolades and affects millions of people for years to come or changing the society from the bottom up, making a small or large impact in the lives of individuals. I don't think there is anything wrong with the first option, I only know that I am called to the second. I used to think that I would and could change the world singlehandedly. Mainly I wanted to write books that had a massive impact on a lot of people. My 12 year old journals read like a cringe-inducing episode from Dawsons Creek!
I don't know when my attitude changed. I think it's been a gradual thing, in fact I would go as far as to say that it's been a recent thing and I can pinpoint at least one critical moment where I suddenly became more aware of it.

My time in Grenoble was a steep learning curve. It was amazing to be on the receiving end of so much kindness. I discovered firsthand how small gestures like being invited round for lunch or people wanting to share time with me and not just smiles could have such a massive impact on an individual. But at the same time I found it incredibly frustrating to always be on the receiving end. I wanted to be giving too. Yesterday I heard it put well that it's hard to be yourself in another culture and even more so another language. It took me months before I could truly be myself in the french language and of course this restricted what I could do. And I don't think I fully realised that until I experienced it firsthand. It was basically like being thrust from being mega-extrovert into introvert overnight and twas a bit of a shock to the system for sure! People wouldn't necessarily take my suggestions so seriously, wouldn't necessarily ask me to do stuff or help out or being involved in things because I was a foreigner and didn't really know/understand what was going on (which was sometimes true). It was incredibly frustrating. But I do remember, sometime later in the autumn, something clicking in my head. I discovered that I could love God and the people around me through doing small things, like cleaning the tables after youth group at church, playing with kids, or helping out the internationals whose french was even worse than mine when they didn't understand what was going on.

France has only been one small part of this learning/realisation/eye-opening process... I always envied my friends who had felt like they had a strong calling, vision or passion, friends who are passionate about certain countries for example and know they're going to end up there for a large part of their lives. But without my even realising it, I've started burning with a heavy passion too. I want to be someone who makes every moment of life count, who loves individuals practically, with everything I am and have. And though I have seemed to be laiden with a particular burden for a particular need, everyone needs that kind of love! And I don't want to miss people just because I have my eyes trained on a certain group or need. I'm beginning to realise and see for myself that the Kingdom of God starts small and in an understated way... and it's beautiful because it is full of Jesus and His character and it's what lasts. I just need to have my eyes open and be willing and ready to act on what I see... (easier said that done of course!)

I leave you with 2 quotes.
The first an extract from a book I love that has a lot to say about small things and mustard seeds:
Re: John 14:2 “… I began to discover “the greater things”. It was not just miracles. I started to see the miracles were an expression not so much of Jesus’ mighty power, as of his love. In fact, the power of miraculous spectacle was the temptation he faced in the desert – to turn stones to bread or to fling himself from the temple. But what had lasting significance were not the miracles themselves but Jesus’ love. Jesus raised his friend Lazarus from the dead and a few years later, Lazarus died again. Jesus healed the sick, but they eventually caught some other disease. He fed the thousands, the next day they were hungry again. But we remember his love. It wasn’t that Jesus healed a leper but that he touched a leper, because no one touched lepers. And the incredible thing about that love is that it now lives inside of us. In the verses just after the one about the greater things. Jesus assures us that the Spirit now lives in us. Jesus says that he is going to the Father but will also remain inside of us and we in him. We are the body of Christ, the hands and feet or Jesus to the world. Christ is living in you and me, walking the earth. We shall do even greater things because the love that lived in the radical Christ now lives within millions of ordinary radicals all over the planet…I know miracles are real, story after story comes to find. But beyond the miracles, what has lasting significance is love. We can do all sorts of miracles, but if we have not love, it is nothing…”

And the other from Mother Teresa:
"We can do no great things, only small things with great love."

Highly unimpressed by this billboard advert I read in the underground yesterday -
"You are my desire, you are my lust, Princes Square, I love you."

Other than the fact that it is an utterly ridiculous advertisment for a shopping centre, it makes the assumption that lust = love. Surely the people who make such advertisments know better than this?! grrrr I could rant all day about this, but realised that I'd written vaguely related thoughts about this before. Hmm... actually reading that again makes me feel slightly less angry and almost understanding... almost

anything but nae chat

This afternoon in the uni library toilets I read this exquisitely profound piece of graffiti; a response to a series of gripes about men and how they are the bane of the female existence (most of which is unrepeatable, or at least I wouldn't put it on my blog) and the question "Are you happy" to which people had made such insightful remarks as "Yeah" and "sometimes"... - "This cubicle has nae chat."

This morning when I went into hospital to get my eyes looked at, the eye specialist also had "nae chat" regarding my eyes, telling me to come back next year, however it seems my subconscious had much to say, especially when she put some "anaesthetic eyedrops" into my eye. While my rational mind was thinking "This is fine, this doesn't even hurt!", my body was yelling "Aaaah stop touching my eye! Get that anaesthetic liquid away from me!!" and less than 30 seconds after I walked out of the room, decided to conk out on me... Most embarrassing! Felt like such a wuss.

I seem to be constantly be crossing paths with folk who seem to have plenty of chat re:God, Jesus, Christianity, the meaning of life and many many issues. From drunk philosophers at the QM stall to international friends to extremely intelligent but also crazy friend of friend physicists and am enjoying it very much! Especially as they also seem to be asking questions in order to get answers and not just to poke holes in what I believe :) However I have to keep reminding myself that chat isn't enough, chat only goes so far, we reason with people but we can't persuade. I am so aware in these chats and was so aware as I had the privelege of witnessing a dear dutch drummer gradually being drawn to Christ over the last semester, that words only take us so far. We may do the sowing but He does the growing. I do know this to be true both from the Bible and experience, but man is it hard to keep as my perspective! At the QM stall the other day one drunk guy quoted St Francis of Assisi at a few of us in an attempt to attack our hypocrisy rather than in an attempt to find answers. And at first it wound me up to no end because he wouldn't let any of the 3 of us who were there get a word in edgeways and jumped in a taxi before we could make any response at all. Then I was reminded that our manner of response is as important as our content. I felt silly that that should have annoyed me so much as though I don't want to be scared of using words, I want my whole life to speak the truth in the way Jesus' life did; acting justly, loving mercy, walking humbly with my God. And to do it all out of love for God and for people, because He first loved me.
Reminds me of another famous quote by St Francis of Assisi "Preach the gospel at all times, if necessary use words."

Pheeew... feeling rather challenged now. Dinner time!

Music only goes so far...

Lately I've been rediscovering the value and joy of approaching God with music. For quite a while singing in particular had, to some extent, lost flavour and sense of purpose to me (playing the cello on the other hand involving my body, soul, mind, everything seemed to be another matter altogether but I won't talk about that here). It seemed kinda odd considering the fact that I am an avidly music-loving enthusiastic musician and it moves me like nothing else. It bothered me a little at first but I think I needed to go through that as was in mid-realising that worship, real worship is a life thing, not a music thing, or a "worship time" thing. I am trying (though often forget) not to call times when we praise God using music "worship" because I am utterly convinced that worship is so sooo much more than just musical praise or what happens at an organised gathering of God's people. It should encompass, or rather just be our whole lives.
But over the last couple of months I’ve found purpose and joy in it again, though I couldn’t have put words together before to explain why that was the case. Through reading bits and pieces and having chats with various folk of varying opinions on topics such as whether we should sing songs that make promises like “I’ll give you everything” that we’ll never keep, I've realised that perhaps it’s my whole approach has changed drastically.
I think before, I wanted to praise God with my heart when I sang or made music to him. And I still do, but now so often I find myself thinking and praying, while I sing, that what I'm playing/singing wouldn't just be good music or half-felt words. Taking the example of lyrics like “I’ll give you everything” etc: I still find those songs difficult to sing but instead of singing them and making those promises, I find myself challenged by them, reminded that this is the only fitting response to such an incredible grace-gift, and while singing (if I’m switched on!) I ask Him to help me give my whole life completely over as worship, even if it is going to be a long and pain-staking process. Songs like that are becoming my prayers, and I was going to put there, "rather than praise" but actually I think that is as much praise as any kind of joyful jubilant rejoicing because it involves acknowledging that He is great and worthy of my whole life. So I find my first priority in music is becoming honesty rather than conviction in praise. Yeah… I think that’s what the change is. I think that must be what has made me fall in love with musicing to God again.

Des petits morceaux and a stress graph

It's been a funny couple o weeks.

Highlights have to include

- the persistence of my french magnetism which seems to be as strong as last year. I'm still meeting french folk in the randomest of places and so have spent much time speaking french. Yesterday the comedy moment of the day had to be having matlab explained to me in french by the research assistant who I'm working on my psychology final year project. Turns out almost everyone in the lab I'm working with is french! And I probably understand her better explaining it to me in french simply because she does a better job of it in her native language!

- discovering that songs such as Arcade Fire's "No cars go" can make what could be miserable walks around Glasgow in bucketing rain, trying not to skid on sad sodden leaves, kind of beautiful!

- rediscovering the joys of supermarket deals at Sainburys on Crow Road (it's worth the extra 5 minute walk!)

- playing purty celtic versions of hymns in purty surroundings which some ace musicians for the BBC

- having long quality chats with many cool people on a range of interesting topics, the benefits and pitfalls of arranged marriages being quite a hot topic!

- Quiet Saturdays when I get to potter productively

- Beautiful live music, jazz, Jo Mango, jamming etc.

Of course behind all this has been the niggle of stress as illustrated by the graph which has made it all into a slightly rocky ride. Stress caused by a general and fairly justified feeling of inadequacy because of my lack of ability to juggle things well and love God and people with all I have at the same time. But since last weekend, as you can see, due to some quality teaching at one of those UCCF trainings days, stress levels have plummeted. I was reminded that God's love doesn't depend on my performance. Jesus wouldn't have died for me if my performance had anything to do with it, but he did. Funny how a change in perspective can make everything else seem so much more manageable! And for that, des petits morceaux and for this I am so grateful! :)

The pros and cons of juggling

to juggle (as according to dictionary.com) verb meaning "to keep (several objects, as balls, plates, tenpins, or knives) in continuous motion in the air simultaneously by tossing and catching."

This sums up beautifully the nature of my life just now at uni. But having been out of the way of it these last few months, I've been finding it quite a shock to the system to be thrust back in there all of sudden, and with more objects in continuous simultaneous motion than ever before.
So here, to stop myself from ranting, are the pros and cons in bullet point form:

Pluses
- variety is the spice of life
- I like being busy
- I tend to get things more productively and effectively done when I only have short bursts at them

Minuses
- I never have quite enough time to just focus on one thing. Just when I get warmed into something I have to move onto something else.
- I do not like being too busy

I just realised I've pretty much contradicted myself in every one of those statements, each advantage is also a disadvantage which is also an advantage which is also a disadvantage.... hmmm... en bref, I think it's just gonna take a bit of time to get used to it again!

a forgotten poem

Was skimming through old writings and things on my usb and came across this, a forgotten poem I think I'd written just under a year ago. I want to post it because I think it is a testament to hope and healing because things are so different now to what they were then...

Who would have thought that it could be like this,
could be like this to miss...
We use all those clichés
A hole in the heart, a piece of me out
Feeling half empty, incomplete, worn
But to be honest, most of the time
It isn’t quite like that
I just feel quite sad.
And a little bit broken
Though that’s not all bad.
And most of the time I don’t notice a thing
Even when I’m aware
I still smile, shout, laugh, sing
I still feel a joy that bubbles within
But hurting, still hurting
And tears are so easy...

So I'm waiting on healing
A divine intervention
At least I know one thing
I am alive

A moment of silliness

The night before last I was expecting a call from Mark and stupidly put my phone in the part of my room where I get sporadic reception and then fell asleep. I woke up a couple of hours later in the middle of the night after having dreamt that he had been kidnapped by a Japanese gang who then came to my door and spoke to me. I didn't see him until I heard him shout "If you dare come here and speak to my girlfriend again I'll..." as he was being carried down the stairs! I then tried to hunt him down, get some help from some friends and rescue him but didn't get very far before I woke up feeling somewhat alarmed! It was sooo vivid that I picked up my phone and phoned him.
He answered...
"... grunt ..."
"I just dreamt that you were kidnapped by a Japanese gang!"
...long pause... "It's ok. I haven't been kidnapped. I'm ok."
The next morning it was suggested that he could have been held at gunpoint and made to say that... somehow I think not.

The subconscious is a funny thing...!

on being a samaritan and sniffling

Today was my first shift as part of the international welcome programme. I feel like a double agent with a double agenda! On the one hand I'm trying to be a good paid university employee, on the other, I'm trying to be a Jesus loving "good Samaritan" i.e. going out of my way to help my neighbour (the international student in need of friends). I'm loving the fact that I can basically do both at the same time! I sooo want a job that allows me to do that after I graduate!

In other news, I spent last week camping on what rapidly became a swamp (as seen in this photo--->) on the Welsh border at the national CU Leaders conference Forum... much much banter was had, mud, frugal but funny meals, more mud, severe weather warnings, getting our cars stuck in the ditch on an escapade to the pub, laughter and some excellente chances to get fed and taught and trained! I especially recommend these talks here which you can listen to online. "Eye-opening" is probably how best to describe them. After a week of wet socks, I think we're all sniffling now...

inspirations

My Ammappa (tamil for mum's dad) passed away in Sri Lanka last week after 3 months on his death's bed. The strength of my grandparents and my mum for that matter has never ceased to amaze me! Thing is, they seemed to get all their strength from the best source of all. so maybe I shouldn't be all that surprised. Tis inspiring that's for sure! I remember one phonecall to Sri Lanka to my gran who in one breath told me about how Ammappa had been falling out of bed confused by morphine at 3am and another joked around about my recent romantic affiliation. They were and are never self-centred or self-focussed even when they had every right to be. And my mum is the same. That's what I want to be like even when the world's collapsing round me! I want to be like Jesus...