cabin bags

So I'm heading back to Grenoble tomorrow for the first time in almost 2 years. I'm going to have to carry all of my belongings in my 55x40x20cm cabin bag (£50 to add a bag on 2 flights, I tell you!!!) which will mean wearing a week's worth of clothes during the journey. I need room in the bag for taking nice Scottish things over and (more importantly) for bringing nice French things back! Anyone know if you can take cheese in cabin luggage on a plane?

On belief (or rather lack thereof)

I've been feeling pretty short on faith in general lately... There are two main reasons for this (though I could probably find more if I tried hard enough). First there's my limited mind capacity - the inclination to expect things to happen in a certain away and for God to act in a particular away. Putting God in a box. It takes stretching in order for my mind to expand and stretching tends to require stepping out of my comfort zone... hmmm... therein lies the problem.
Then there's my capacity to mess up, again and again and again - it leaves me feeling fed up and empty and despondent and utterly useless. This results in a lack of belief on my part in God ever changing me.
This lack of belief isn't something I've just noticed. I've been encumbered with it for as long as I've been a Christian, though only started realising and wrestling with it over the past year. See I've realised that, in theory, having belief would result in me praying more, would result in me trusting God more, would result in me stepping out of my comfort zone more, would result in me behaving and doing in a completely different way, would result in God acting in massive ways in and around me. But this shortage of belief, though it doesn't stop me, it stunts me, stunts all of these things... Ridiculous is the only way I can describe it! Actually Ridiculous!

But God... - I don't think I've ever fully understood this - grace. There are times when I think I've got it and then I forget it again. But it's not from me... That whole section in Ephesians 2 reminds me that I am rubbish, but God... He's what I need, He can give me what I need. He wants me to come and ask him to give me what I need. Because He freely gives.

Come, all you who are thirsty,
come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without cost.
Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.

Isaiah 55:1-2

That food and drink - that could be wisdom and righteousness and hope and love and belief... all we need do is ask!

On voice neurocognitive psychologists and diagrams

On Tuesday, my sort of supervisor showed me what she'd done to my data the other day to put in her own paper. It was this intelligent and beautiful rainbow spectrum of a graph, all blue, red and yellow, and where data overlapped it became purple and orange... it was preeetty! And it was the data that I'd collected! Sadly I won't be using it for my own project cos that would feel too much like cheating. Turned out she wasn't the only working on pretty diagrams. That same morning, one of the other francophones in the lab also showed me his crazy complex multiple graph diagrams that he'd been creating. And then yesterday (after a right cuffufle of forgetting the right usb stick with the version of my project that I'd been intensively working on over the last couple of days) I got some highly useful feedback from my actual supervisor.
At least half of what he said could be condensed into this:-
- "Put in some cool diagrams here and here and here and here"
(it may have been a summary of what he said but I assure you, the word "cool" made an appearance on several occasions). So I had a go at some "cool" diagrams today. I made a reasonable effort I think, but none of them come even close to the rainbow spectrum graph I saw on Tuesday :( siiiigh...

Lessons for the week:
- Programming matlab is a useful skill to learn
- Voice neurocognitive psychologists like "cool" diagrams
- Never put your usb stick in your jeans pocket so you don't lose it. You will inevitably forget to take it out the next day

Man am I becoming geeky... see what final year is doing to me!

fear of silence

I don't think I've got any less busy and yet at the same time it feels as though life's quietened down a bit. Perhaps it's because that voice of constant alertness that has accompanied a year of responsibility as gucu vp has been silenced for good. I miss the committee dudes but my head certainly feels a lot clearer for things that I'm needing to put more energy into right now like work and family and even just for hanging out with people. And for some reason, I'm finding it easier to grapple with silence. I go through phases of actually being somewhat scared of silence. Sometimes because I think I don't have enough time for it, or because it can leave me vulnerable to thoughts or fears or stresses that I don't have to think about when I'm busy. It's utterly ridiculous I know. Silence, especially silent acknowledgement of God is as beautiful as it is bread and butter to a Christian, I love how Coralie puts it here. Anyway I ended up writing this...


I like noise.
At multiple frequencies, high amplitude
in toing froing, hereing going,
in hustle bustle, constant doing,
in clutterclatter, chitterchatter,
the thrill of milling in a crowd.
I like it loud.

And I see You in everything
in all the constant toing froing
leaping out of action, chatter,
sparks in peoples' eyes

But in the silence... it's another story.
I have to strain so hard to see, so hard to hear,
to listen even.
Please don't be so quiet God!
Too much cramming, crowding, perpetuating...
I've lost the art of waiting.

And yet... You tell me to be still
quieten my heart, and know You're God,
that in trust, that in quietness, therein lies strength,
that in still still waters, therein lies nourishment.
How could I forget that breath-taking beauty
of just being with you...

Des bizarreries d'aujourd'hui

Today I was a little perplexed by

- my dad refusing to put ham in his sandwich this morning which contained the apparently satisfying and tasty combination of humous and chilli sauce
- a very lost and confused Indian woman with near incomprehensible english running very late for a job interview, who I went on a wild goose chase with, first looking for Buchanan Galleries, then Buchanan Bus Station, then for a bus to Bearsden. She was hoping that I spoke Hindi...
- a giant (at least 6 feet high and 12 feet wide) Adidas shoe box, literally blocking my path, in the middle of the square round the corner from my flat

Ah the joys of those petits bizarreries which render life all the more interesting!

flipflop cravings

For the first time ever, or at least for as long as I can remember, today I find myself looking forward to flipflop weather! Maybe it's the sunshine and blue sky today - the first we've seen in Glasgow since last Wednesday? Maybe it's my Sri Lankan genes kicking into action more than ever before, craving 30 degree humid heat and burning sun? Maybe it's just been a long winter? Either way it feels like a dangerous thing to look forward to, there is no certainty here in Scotland (especially in Glasgow) that this weather will ever come, and if it does I'll almost certainly be mid-finals. And to think it's only the middle of Febuary...! siiiiigh...

Doodling back to basics

Doodled out some thoughts I'd been having over the last couple of weeks, this morning. Man I love spider diagrams for making sense of my jumbled up my mind. And they're so useful for studying too! :)
I hope it's legible! Please let me know if something on this doesn't make sense... let me know if it does too if you'd like ;)

spice up your life!

400g of Extra Hot Chilli powder for £1.65 makes Dish a very happy girl :)

Looking around...

I meant to blog this article a while ago... I read this around a time when I was being overly and unhelpfully introspective and man did it breathe hope back into me. It helped me to look around me at the million minor miracles occurring all around me every day and praise the one responsible for them...

hmmm...

I have just been eyeing up my essay questions for french. They always pick such interesting and often contraversial topics, this semester's include:

For or Against the practice of strikes in France?
What are the causes of fanaticsm
Are religions a source of irrationality in our societies?
Is the internet an instrument of freedom or alienation?
Can we guarantee social well-being by respecting traditions?
Is feminism an exclusively western idea?
Is political power becoming a media power?
Is a truly multicultural society possible?

It actually makes my mouth water looking at them, unfortunately it also makes it difficult to choose between them! I also get to choose something contraversial to talk about in one of my Oral exams for my presentation. Anyway, I thought I would maybe tackle some of these (abridged and in english of course!) in my blog over the next few weeks. Gives me a good excuse to do some reading (in french) and might help me choose a good oral topic. Procrasination that is actually revision... ah how I love my course! :D

Saturdays, Change and Jesus!

Hmmm... I love Saturdays... I dunno how many times I've said that on this blog! I didn't get much of a Saturday last week cos I had an exam on the Monday. But am making up for it this weekend... I just love having unpressured, unscheduled time! :) Time for long phone chat with my family, time to book flights, time to supermarket shop, to post laaaate christmas cards, time to cook nice meals, time to tidy my room, time to study, time to finish blog posts that have been sitting in drafts for the last 2 weeks, time just to be...

So on this my 196th post I am stopping to reflect on how much and yet how little I have changed in the last 3 and a bit years since I started blogging. That first blog post was written out of procrastination and... now I think about it, so is this one, ha! I guess the emphasis of this blog has changed over time from being mainly banter in that first year, to a sort of travel log to keep folks updated while I was in France, to more musings than anything else in this last year and a half... maybe a little less n'importe quoi than it once was. Change is a good thing, maybe this blog will keep changing... on ne sait jamais!

I was having a bit o a crisis the other day because I'd been reflecting on the last year and pondering on whether I'd changed much or made any progress and didn't feel like I had made any. It seemed like I had learnt much and applied little. I seem to have such crises on regular occasions, like when I first came back from France or after this summer. Usually the pattern is, I have too much time to look at myself and see that I'm making the same mistakes that I've made time in time out in previous years and instantly get despondent and then usually not long afterwards that actually I have changed and I was just being silly as per usual. This time was no different.

Whether or not I end up feeling despondent for weeks or for years, I'm realising it's just too easy to look at myself too much. And when I do, I usually become discouraged or complacent... one or the other. I don't want to be completely unaware of myself but when I am happiest, when I am most effective, when I learn the most and when I change the most is when I look at him... Jesus. I'm reading the gospel of Mark with some CU folk in prep for the FREE project and have been struck by how real Jesus is and comes across. I've heard these stories over and over my whole life, but not reading them as isolated events in Jesus' life renders it differently somehow. Personality jumping out the pages at me, is the only way I can describe it! His identity and his death and resurrection mean that he is my hope, my light and my author of salvation and through him I can be a part of the family and kingdom of God. But I have rarely been so aware of this fact, and that He is alive and interacts with us today! I want to get to know him better...

A minute selection of highlights of 2008 (those few moments when I remembered I had a camera)

L->R: study sesh in the park with psych coursemates on a beautiful May day, one of many international dinners with 07/08 crew, one of many international parties with 08/09 crew, sister and I on the beach during music camp, "jellyfish" illustration in pictionary, the classic CU Houseparty photo, Glasgow Westend Festival parade day in June, Mads' hen party, 10 eating lunch in a tent porch at Forum, Lied jamming in my living room, celebrating my birthday with the family, admiring a rainbow at forum, silly dancing with the boys at the headphone disco, Mark and me.

Bring on 2009... year of new things!

My one resolution is that I live this year fully living, fully loving, with eyes wide open looking up and out...

Please help me

...a beautiful txt I received on Christmas morn

"He spoke and it came to be,
He cried and his mother fed him.
He commanded and it stood firm,
He whimpered and His father comforted him.

The Lord reigns,
He made himself nothing.
He is exalted over all the peoples,
A servant, born in the likeness of men.

Wonder of all time and space,
The creator chooses a dirty birth:
Born in a mucky shed,
Born in my mucky heart."

- Mark Spybey

On gripes and grumbles

There is something terribly Scottish about a good ol moan. According to this there are at least 15 words for "complain" in Scots and I'm sure there's a good few more. It's how we engage in small-talk, relate to one another or break ice in a conversation. Hot topic #1 has to be the weather, then comes increase in house prices, how busy we are and the amount of paperwork we have to do. As a student, Hot Topic #1 has to be exams closely followed by the amount of work we've given to do in such a short time and the busyness of the library to the point where it's almost impossible to find a seat. I know that I moan too much but I do it anyway because it's easy and because it makes for good small talk... Chatting to randoms is one of my favourite pastimes and the number of times I've started chatting to randoms in bus-stops over here because groaning communally about the crazy weather we've been having lately or the tardiness of public transport in this country.
But is this groaning, cultural though it is, even right?

I want my conduct to mirror of Jesus Christ who… “though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” (Phil2:6-8)
I’m realising more and more the vast importance of a heart attitude. My words and conduct simply mirror what’s inside, even if I try and pretend that there is something else there. And in this passage I see Christ’s attitude – humility, even though He was and is God, far above us humans in every way, yet that didn’t keep from the task at hand – enduring intense public humiliation, suffering, separation from the Father, death on a cross… Talk about a hard example to follow!

I don't think we should just ignore the things that are going wrong with our world, but I'm starting to think that I choose what I say more carefully and think more carefully about how I say it:- Laughing at the weather rather than groaning about it, noticing and being an antidote to what's going wrong in the world but doing it out of genuine concern and love and not just as a reason to groan or as an overspill of oversized ego. It's far too easy to point the finger at others and at other things without looking and seeing fault in myself. I’m aware that this makes it sound easy, or at least easier than it is to put into practice. Especially as it’s gonna take a complete heart-transplant to properly put into action. Min am I grateful though that we have a God who is more than able and willing to perform the operation!

la cuisine communale

Ah I do love the community aspect of student life! I wouldn't be able to count the number of times I'd fed or been fed by other folk in the last couple of weeks let alone the last few years! This week I have particularly enjoyed delicious braided bread (courtesy of the Breakeys), white sausages and "gourmet haggis" with cheese and mushrooms and broccoli, both bizarre but delicious, to name but a few.
It's something I don't want to lose when student life ends... just having folk around, here, there, whenever I can, people who I know and don't know, sharing life and love and food with them.

lab life

I have spent many hours in the Voice Neurocognition lab in the last month and a half... and now the end is nigh, I can't help but reminisce (in bullet-point form) of my toe-dip into the world of psychology research

Highlights have to include:
- my supervisor (bizzarely similar to my dear friend Loik), what with her delightfully dry french sense of humour and her curses and pffffts and groans (primarily aimed at computers)
- getting to do everything bilingual styleee :)
- the laid-back-ness of the lab
- getting to see people I like for a little bit every day because they have to come in to do my experiment :)

The less so fun moments include:
- getting a mouth full of cigarette fumes every time I enter the building (seems psychology academics like to smoke A lOT)
- the fact that everything took much longer than I expected it to, it's slightly disconcerting that my experiment was so based on the ability of other people
- running up the steep hill to the dept which always warms me up sufficiently in this freezing cold, and then overheating the minute I step into the stiffling air of the dept
- the laid-back-ness of the lab (only the phD students are ever in before 10) which causes problems when one has a subject booked in for 9 and no one who has the keys is in yet

Just 8 hours left this week and I have all my data, woop woop!!

au printemps...

THANK YOU FOR BOOKING WITH RYANAIR

GOING OUT
From Glasgow (Prestwick) (PIK) to Grenoble Lyon (GNB)
Sat, 28Mar09 Depart PIK at 18:10 and arrive GNB at 21:20

PAYMENT DETAILS
*********0.00 GBP Total Fare
********25.44 GBP Taxes, Fees & Charges
*********4.00 GBP Passenger Fee: CC
********29.44 GBP Total Paid

I didn't think I'd get round to it, or be able to afford it or that there's be anything at the right time, but a gander on the Ryanair website found me this cheap flight, right at the beginning of the Easter hols (before my french oral exams :)! And so I'm going back for the first time in a year and a half...!

Positive+ and another cheesy appearance on bbc2

Come along tonight to what should be a good gig for a good cause! (our band are playing too!)

Also made another appearance on the wondrous BBC iplayer, just here in fact (I'm on from around 16.05)

Mustard seed loving

I got into an argument with a physicist at an aforementioned party a while ago. He was trying to persuade me to do a phD and somehow we tangented onto talking about what was more effective, changing a society from the top down, earning yourself accolades and affects millions of people for years to come or changing the society from the bottom up, making a small or large impact in the lives of individuals. I don't think there is anything wrong with the first option, I only know that I am called to the second. I used to think that I would and could change the world singlehandedly. Mainly I wanted to write books that had a massive impact on a lot of people. My 12 year old journals read like a cringe-inducing episode from Dawsons Creek!
I don't know when my attitude changed. I think it's been a gradual thing, in fact I would go as far as to say that it's been a recent thing and I can pinpoint at least one critical moment where I suddenly became more aware of it.

My time in Grenoble was a steep learning curve. It was amazing to be on the receiving end of so much kindness. I discovered firsthand how small gestures like being invited round for lunch or people wanting to share time with me and not just smiles could have such a massive impact on an individual. But at the same time I found it incredibly frustrating to always be on the receiving end. I wanted to be giving too. Yesterday I heard it put well that it's hard to be yourself in another culture and even more so another language. It took me months before I could truly be myself in the french language and of course this restricted what I could do. And I don't think I fully realised that until I experienced it firsthand. It was basically like being thrust from being mega-extrovert into introvert overnight and twas a bit of a shock to the system for sure! People wouldn't necessarily take my suggestions so seriously, wouldn't necessarily ask me to do stuff or help out or being involved in things because I was a foreigner and didn't really know/understand what was going on (which was sometimes true). It was incredibly frustrating. But I do remember, sometime later in the autumn, something clicking in my head. I discovered that I could love God and the people around me through doing small things, like cleaning the tables after youth group at church, playing with kids, or helping out the internationals whose french was even worse than mine when they didn't understand what was going on.

France has only been one small part of this learning/realisation/eye-opening process... I always envied my friends who had felt like they had a strong calling, vision or passion, friends who are passionate about certain countries for example and know they're going to end up there for a large part of their lives. But without my even realising it, I've started burning with a heavy passion too. I want to be someone who makes every moment of life count, who loves individuals practically, with everything I am and have. And though I have seemed to be laiden with a particular burden for a particular need, everyone needs that kind of love! And I don't want to miss people just because I have my eyes trained on a certain group or need. I'm beginning to realise and see for myself that the Kingdom of God starts small and in an understated way... and it's beautiful because it is full of Jesus and His character and it's what lasts. I just need to have my eyes open and be willing and ready to act on what I see... (easier said that done of course!)

I leave you with 2 quotes.
The first an extract from a book I love that has a lot to say about small things and mustard seeds:
Re: John 14:2 “… I began to discover “the greater things”. It was not just miracles. I started to see the miracles were an expression not so much of Jesus’ mighty power, as of his love. In fact, the power of miraculous spectacle was the temptation he faced in the desert – to turn stones to bread or to fling himself from the temple. But what had lasting significance were not the miracles themselves but Jesus’ love. Jesus raised his friend Lazarus from the dead and a few years later, Lazarus died again. Jesus healed the sick, but they eventually caught some other disease. He fed the thousands, the next day they were hungry again. But we remember his love. It wasn’t that Jesus healed a leper but that he touched a leper, because no one touched lepers. And the incredible thing about that love is that it now lives inside of us. In the verses just after the one about the greater things. Jesus assures us that the Spirit now lives in us. Jesus says that he is going to the Father but will also remain inside of us and we in him. We are the body of Christ, the hands and feet or Jesus to the world. Christ is living in you and me, walking the earth. We shall do even greater things because the love that lived in the radical Christ now lives within millions of ordinary radicals all over the planet…I know miracles are real, story after story comes to find. But beyond the miracles, what has lasting significance is love. We can do all sorts of miracles, but if we have not love, it is nothing…”

And the other from Mother Teresa:
"We can do no great things, only small things with great love."

Highly unimpressed by this billboard advert I read in the underground yesterday -
"You are my desire, you are my lust, Princes Square, I love you."

Other than the fact that it is an utterly ridiculous advertisment for a shopping centre, it makes the assumption that lust = love. Surely the people who make such advertisments know better than this?! grrrr I could rant all day about this, but realised that I'd written vaguely related thoughts about this before. Hmm... actually reading that again makes me feel slightly less angry and almost understanding... almost